


Dear Lara Jean,

by AnxietyAndColdCoffee



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, More geared to book events, but with a twist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-03 05:32:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16320047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxietyAndColdCoffee/pseuds/AnxietyAndColdCoffee
Summary: The one where Lara Jean was dating John Ambrose since the eighth grade dance and Peter Kavinsky writes two love letters.





	1. The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> So this isn't going to be really much of any Lara Jean and John Ambrose so please don't click off because you're scared it's not gonna be Covinsky, IT IS. I'm going to be referencing the book as much as I can but since this is a big plot twist not everything is going to be like the movie/book. I hope you guys enjoy this AU and it doesn't flop lmao. Please let me know what you think!!

 The initial week of school’s hectic craziness has died down and I was finding myself waiting by my phone, a little ridiculous but after Margot and Josh broke up I felt a little uneven about my standing with John Ambrose. I was a little apprehensive because he’s been acting distant lately making excuses as to why he couldn’t make it to visit and that was not like him.

 For the past two years John Ambrose McClaren and I have been an item after he asked me to the eight grade formal, almost thwarted by Daddy thinking he was doing yard work. Once he moved we had to do a somewhat _long distance_ type of thing but it worked. We’d hang out over the weekend and thanks to Margot and Josh we doubled often.

 That was until Margot and Josh called it off and I crashed Margot car. Now I was without a car, which was fine with me, and I couldn’t just ask Josh to be our third wheel. That would be like rubbing his face in our relationship and I couldn’t do that to Josh, how _awkward_.

 That Friday dragged on forever, maybe it was because we were still assimilating ourselves back into the school life after summer so classes were boring and slow. The last thing I expected was for John to be standing outside the school looking like a literal angel. Smiling wide I run over to him pulling him into a hug and I realized the moment my arms wrapped around him how incredibly tense he was.

 There was a sour feeling in my stomach as I pulled back, “What’s wrong John?” I asked and his eyes wouldn’t meet mine. I don’t know exactly when I stopped listening but my cheeks felt the fire of a thousands stars and I kept looking around because did everyone know I was being dumped?

 “ _Lara Jean it’s not you it’s me. I have a lot of stuff going on with taking college courses and clubs like Model UN. My grandmother wants me to spend more time with her and I know Stormy loves you but I think I just need some time to get everything together.”_

It was only after I stood in front of him for a few long beats of silence that I promised myself I wouldn’t let stupid charming wonderfully angelic John Ambrose McClaren see me cry. I looked over just in time to see the buses start to drive off and my heart sank because _of course_.

 _“Lara Jean…”_ He began his tone softening and I _hated_ it. Holding up my hand I mustered the best watery smile I could possibly form, “Don’t worry about it John Ambrose maybe this wasn’t our time then,” I stuttered feeling my eyes sting, “Maybe one day it will be again.” I said hating how hopeful my voice sounded. 

 Biting down on my bottom lip I turned and all but ran down the sidewalk barely avoiding tripping over my boots as they stomp against the concrete. I heard him call after me but he didn’t chase, it was over and as I slowed to a walk tears streaming down my cheeks I really realized that I was.

 John Ambrose McClaren and I weren’t dating anymore. Is this how Margot and Josh felt because it hurt, like _really bad_.

 I blubbered wiping my face on my arm now wishing I’d grabbed my sweater from my locker because at least I’d have _something_. It was then a black Audi pulled up slowing beside me the tinted windows so dark that mixed with my blurry vision I almost didn’t recognize Peter.

 Tall dark and handsome Peter Kavinsky. I wanted to vomit.

 “Lara Jean are you okay?” No, no I’m not okay Peter Kavinsky. “I’m fine…” I mutter back instead snorting in a load of snot and this was _embarrassing_. Peter and I haven’t hung out since before John moved and he and Gen started becoming _that couple_.

 The window rolled up and I felt a wave of relief but then I heard the engine cut as he climbed out of the car with a tissue in hand and _wow_ , can you not be that sweet? I really don’t need this right now. I thought to myself but it was exactly what I needed.

 Peter sat with me and I couldn’t help but think back to just a week ago when I found me after my car accident. “Why is it that you always find me when I’m crying?” I ask sniffling and he laughs a loud Peter like guffaw and I smile because it’s so damn infectious.

 “I dunno maybe I have a Lara Jean radar and it just goes off whenever you’re crying.” He teased giving me a small bump to my side before standing up and offering me his hand. “Let me drive you home.” He offers and I would say no but I’m really not in the mood to walk all the way home.

 “Okay but next time you see me crying just drive away and let me wallow in my sadness.” I joke and he smiles again so I do too.

 “Not a chance, Covey.” Peter opens my door for me and I fell a little silly but the moment is over when he slides into the car and his phone is going _off._ I steal a glance and Gen is blowing him up, I know I have a problem with sending little snippets of text messages repeatedly but she was writing _novels_ and I didn’t even think I could type that fast.

 Peter follows my gaze and flips the phone over allow it to consistently buzz loudly from where it sat in the cup holder. Being caught I turn my attention out the window the ride to my house is quiet and before I could tell him where to go he easily directs himself and I sit back a little flush over my cheeks because he remembers where I live.

 Coughing softly as he pulls up to my house I give a soft smile, “Thanks for driving me home,” I began as he puts the car in park and for a moment I think he’s gonna shut the engine off but instead he picks up his phone and I frown. “alright bye.” I muttered bouncing out of the car and he looks over at me with an eyebrow quirked but I don’t say anything more I just quickly make my way up the driveway.

 “Lara Jean!” And Peter is the second man to call my name today but the first to follow after me. I’m confused as I turn to stare up at him eyes wide because _why_ was he following me. “You forgot your bag.” He offers handing me my backpack and my whole face feels hot.

 “ _Okay_.” I squeak out before running inside and shutting the door firmly behind me. Kitty is sitting on the couch, well more so laying her head down off the bottom of the cushion as she stares over at me with confusion. “What’s up with _you_ , Lara Jean?” She asks and Daddy’s head pops out from the kitchen giving me a confused stare as well.

 “Who’s car was that?” He asks and I sigh, “Don’t worry Daddy it was just Peter Kavinsky’s.” A light bulb metaphorically goes off as his face fills with recognition, “Little Peter Kavinsky? I sure hope John knows he was driving you home.” He teased and Kitty rolls over laying in her belly staring over at us not saying a word.

 “Don’t have to worry about that Daddy because he broke up with me.” And I couldn’t believe how smoothly I said that, my voice didn’t even crack it was just deadpan. I could hear more than see Kitty gawking and Daddy froze from where he stood putting together another Korean salad.

 They were walking on eggshells around me for the rest of the night but I felt surprisingly okay but it wasn’t just a coincidence that Margot called me later that night on Skype. She was wrapped in a cozy sweater her blanket draped around her like she was ready to go straight off to bed when we hung up, I wasn’t going to keep her long.

 “So Kitty told me you and John broke up.” I shrug pretending to play with invisible strings on my bedspread and suddenly I was feeling it again. Margot had this way of opening me up the most of anyone I knew. So I cried to her and told her everything and I knew if she could she’d be hugging me right now because this truly did suck.

 “You didn’t have sex with him did you Lara Jean?” And I squawked choking on the spit in my mouth as I cough to clear my throat shaking my head, “ _NO!_ We made a promise Gogo. Really, really in love and _at least_ twenty-one. John and I never ever said we loved each other…” I reminded her of out sister pact and if I noticed the way Margot changed the subject rather quickly after that I didn’t touch on it.

 We talked for awhile longer before Daddy called me down for dinner and I said goodnight to Margot. I felt lighter as I bounced down the stairs but my heart still felt heavy, it was so strange. I don’t think John Ambrose and I were ever on the level Margot and Josh were and it probably had to do with the distance. I had John Ambrose McClaren on the weekends but Margot had Josh everyday and maybe that’s why they loved each other and we never got that far.

 Dinner was dominated by Kitty but I was thankful for her because I really couldn’t talk anymore, I was all talked out. She was listing off reasons as to why a dog would be super beneficial for our family and more importantly her in showing how grown and responsible she was. Daddy just laughed and nodded along because there was no stopping Kitty once she got started.

* * *

 The next day Chris and I were sitting under the bleachers her munching at her sub while I snacked on my carrots and flipped through the pages of another book. Chris liked it down here and she claimed it was because she didn’t want to get in trouble for running off campus to get food but I knew it was because she got all the tasty drama.

 There was a lot of talk about Peter and Gen today, like an absurd amount. Some people said she dumped him for some college guy while other said she dumped him because he cheated on her which, _yeah right_. Peter would never cheat on Gen everyone knew he was wrapped around her finger.

 A few days went by and with everyday I felt a little more at ease about John Ambrose McClaren and came to terms with realizing that maybe it was time for us to break up. We were both moving onto more challenging classes and trying to get internships and extracurricular clubs in place for college. My heart ached a bit because he was my first boyfriend but if Margot could get over Josh _who she loved_ I could certainly get over John Ambrose McClaren who I just _really, really liked_.

 I took the bus home that following Friday and unsurprisingly Daddy wasn’t home yet so I checked the mail grabbing the bundle of envelopes as I walked up towards the house. Flipping through it mindlessly I came across a letter that made me stop in my tracks almost tripping over the stairs leading up to our porch.

  _Peter Kavinsky_. I blinked a few times tilting my head wondering if I maybe turn it a certain way or blink a few more times the name would change but it didn’t. It was addressed to me and I couldn’t help but look around as if this was some sort of prank but Peter wasn’t that kind of guy.

 Unlocking the door I toss the mail onto the counter reminding myself to pull the meat from the freezer later to defrost but I was too caught up in this letter to do it right now.

 “What’s that?” Kitty asked sitting up on the couch looking over at me and I hid it behind my back my eyes wide with a soft _pfft_. “Nothing, it’s nothing. Just a letter from John.” I lied and she sat back on her heels a sad expression over her face and my heart broke for a moment. Just in the matter of the past couple weeks she not only lost Margot to school she lost Josh _and_ John and my heart broke because it wasn’t fair.

 Kitty had grown so close to both of them over the past two years and it was almost easy if it were just me and John because he lived a town away but Josh was right next door and I couldn’t remember the last time he stopped by for Kitty or me. That sucked.

 “I’m sorry Kitten,” I offered but she rolled her eyes at me turning back to the tv grabbing a handful of popcorn and shoving it into her mouth, “Don’t feel sorry for me Lara Jean I’m not the one who got…” And she stopped a small amount of sympathy flashing in her eyes but we both dropped it as I walked up the stairs to my room. I didn’t blame her for feeling defensive, everything was changing and she was so young still.

 Plopping down on my bed I tear gently into the letter pulling the paper from the envelope and inspect it slowly his scratchy script scrawled over the length of the paper.

  _Dear Lara Jean,_

_I’m not good with words but I remember when I first saw you at the sixth grade assembly. I was sitting a row behind you and I noticed you because your hair was so long, it had a headband with a bow in it and while everyone else was raising their hands for the Principal you were trying to get your hair untangled from the chair. I really like you hair, it’s always been so long and it looks really soft. I wanted to help you but I thought that maybe it would have been too weird._

_I would say I’m sorry I kissed you but I’m really not, I wanted to kiss you that night and I’m happy I did. But you never brought it up again and that made me a little sad so when the eight grade formal came up and you accepted to be Sundance Kid’s date I was a little upset but you were so happy and he was excited you said yes so I guess I have to get over it. I thought that maybe when he moved away I could talk to you about it but instead you guys kept dating and we stopped being friends._

_I wonder why we stopped being friends? I miss you sometimes Lara Jean. I think you’re really special, probably one of the uniquely quirky girls I’ve ever met and I wish more people knew how amazing you are. I wish you weren’t so embarrassed sometimes to be yourself but I’m with Gen now and you’re with John so I guess it all worked out. I hope he makes you feel special, I bet he does because you smile so brightly when he’s around._

_I don’t think I’ll ever be immune to you Lara Jean but it’s time to get over you. Maybe I’ll see you around and we’ll be friends again someday. Maybe._

_Peter Grant Kavinsky._

I lay there rereading the letter over and over and sometimes I feel like I made them up so I read them again. _What in the world…_ I couldn’t wrap my mind around these words because it was so strange. I looked all around the paper for a date but I coulnd’t find one and it was _so strange_. John Ambrose wrote me letters sometimes after I told him how romantic they were but he stopped a few months after we started dating. This letter even though it wasn’t exactly the most romantic thing I’ve ever read it felt so incredibly personal.

 Peter Kavinsky wrote me a letter and Peter Kavinsky likes me? Liked me? I couldn’t tell this could have been written two years ago and it could have been written a week ago. It was _killing me_.

 I read the words again because I couldn’t bring myself to put it down. “I don’t think I’ll ever be immune to you Lara Jean,” I whispered quietly to myself and I felt a soft flutter from within me.

  “Lara Jean,” Kitty called causing me to squeal shoving the note under my pillow staring over at her wide eyed my face hot, “come watch TV with me.” She leaned over picking a pillow off my floor and launched it over at me knocking me square in the head.

 “ _Kitty_ ,” I hissed brushing my fingers through my hair before tossing the pillow onto the mess of the floor, “just give me and second and I’ll be down.” I said and she shrugged bouncing down the stairs loudly.

 Pulling the note from beneath the pillow I smoothed it out and stuck it back into the envelope before walking over to my closet and pulling down the hatbox my mom got me. I brushed my fingers over the bow atop it before pulling it open and placing his letter at the top of the pile.

* * *

  “No, Lara Jean it wasn’t a _rave_ it was a concert.” Chris corrected me and her Snapchat could have fooled me. I let her go on about the concert as I emptied the textbooks from my bag when I heard his voice.

 “Uh, hey I need to talk to Lara Jean,” and the both of us looked up at him with wide eyes until he reached up to rub at the back of his neck focusing his attention to Chris, “ _alone_.” She smirked lifting two fingers to her eyes before shifting them over to him.

 “If anyone asks I’ll be in the Nurses office with a migraine,” she began taking a few steps backwards smirking, “Googling Justin Trudeau shirtless.” She finished before turning around and taking off around the corner.

 Chuckling I turned my attention to Peter and the way he was looking at me made my laughter silence almost immediately.

 “You didn’t get a letter in the mail over the weekend, did you?” My cheeks caught on fire, I coughed lightly turning my attention to the notebook in my hand giving a small shrug. “ _Jesus,_ son of a-” He cut himself off grumbling lowly to himself and I suddenly felt super insecure. Apparently he didn’t mean to send the letter if his body language was any indication.

 “Lara Jean I wrote that letter like… Two years ago,” he explained in a hurried tone his forehead creasing in worry as he tried to form the next sentence, “I’m not trying to date you, Gen and I are-”

 “Peter it’s okay,” I cut him off though my words felt stuck in my throat, “John and I are in a weird place right now and I barely even read it.” I lied and his face fell in a way. “I mean I _read_ it but,” I trailed off, “I just didn’t think much of it.” And I flinched at my own words because that was actually kinda rude.

 “ _Oh_ , wow thanks Covey.” He deadpanned crossing his arms over his chest shutting himself off to me. “I was just asking because Gen called me freaking out last night thinking I was trying to get back together with her and if she got hers I just assumed you got yours…” He shrugged and I couldn’t help myself.

 “You don’t want to get back together with Gen?” And there was a little too much of a hopeful tone in my voice even I cringed at how desperate it sounded. Looking behind him I saw Gen stalking towards us a letter in an identical envelope in hand. “Because she’s coming over here like a woman on a mission and if you don’t want her back- _mmph!”_ His lips were soft, just like I remembered them except this time it wasn’t tentative and quick his lips lingered over mine and _God_ they were so warm.

 Closing my eyes I pressed up on my toes moving my hands toward his neck when I heard Gen cough loudly ripping myself from him my cheeks igniting.

 “Peter,” she dared a look toward me her nose turning up but her eyes were blazing, I was genuinely worried she was about to rip my head off, “we need to talk.” She simply stated holding the letter up in his face a cool tone but it was hard like she wasn’t asking she was _telling him_. I wanted to shrink away but as I tried to turn Peter slung his arm over his shoulder and I froze my eyes widen as I look up at him.

 “Sorry Gen, I’m a little busy.” His tone was so smooth, I could barely tell he was lying but I felt like I was going to vomit. This was becoming a reoccurring theme around Peter recently, feeling so embarrassed and caught off guard I wanted to vomit.

 “ _Peter_ ,” She pressed her teeth tight and I stood there my eyes bouncing back and fourth between them before he sighed catching me off guard one more time as he leaned down pressing a fleeting soft kiss to my lips. “Lunch?” And all I could do was nod because the lump in my throat was so thick.

 Gen grabbed his wrist and yanked him off and all I could do was stare after him eyes wide wondering if that really just happened. Judging by the amount of people passing by staring at me I came to realize that yes that was _very real_.

 I just kissed Peter Kavinsky _again_ and this time I really, really liked it.


	2. The Contract

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean and Peter write up a contract.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember I'm trying to work off the movie/book but also this is AU so not exactly gonna work that way? Thank you guys so, so much for all the encouraging comments! I'm so happy you are loving this AU! I hope I do you guys proud.

 I felt a hand wrap around my wrist and my heart felt like it was in my throat as I allowed myself to be tugged into an empty room just off the side of the cafeteria. A sigh of relief escaped me when I stared into the crystal blue of Chris’ eyes.

 “ _Peter Kavinsky?”_ She questioned eyeing me and I just shrugged because what was I supposed to say? I had no idea what was going on. “Didn’t you literally just break up with Ambrose?” I nod because I have to vomit, no wait there is actual vomit in my throat. Wrinkling up my nose I lean onto the nearest table and Chris’ face softened but only just a bit.

 “I didn’t know you were taking a page from my book.” She devilishly grinned. “Lady boner for the king of the cafeteria.” She teased giving me a nudge and I smacked her away mentally screaming because I couldn’t _handle this_. With John Ambrose McClaren it was easy I knew exactly what we were and now with Peter I didn’t have a clue what was going on.

 “Right uh, Peter’s probably expecting me so…” I trailed off and Chris shrugged bowing as she pointed to the door, “Don’t want to keep your highness waiting.” I wanted to smack her but I just laughed nervously before she snorted rolling her eyes. “LJ that means you have to leave the room.” And I was going to, eventually.

 “Is Gen out there?” I asked my nervousness peaking over my shoulder and Chris wraps her arm around me coaxing me up with a smile, “Now, now Lara Jean you don’t think I’d actually let my cousin hurt you.” I’d seen Chris get scrappy before and I’d also never seen her lose so I felt a little safer as she lead me back into the cafeteria right towards Peter.

 My feet felt heavier and I turned to Chris to protest that we sit somewhere else but she pressed her hand to my back and shoved me at Peter. Squealing I stumble over my boots grabbing at the first thing I could to steady me. Looking up I groan because just my luck that _thing_ is a very handsome Peter Kavinsky.

 “Thanks _a lot_ Chris.” I turned looking over at her and Peter moved his hands down to my waist and I coughed shaking my head.

 “ _Whoa, Kavinksy,”_ I began stepping back from him shaking my head as my eyebrows furrowed, “no?” I lifted my hand moving it back and fourth my finger in the air and I looked as confused as I felt.

 “No?” He teased but his eyes pleaded with me and a quick scan of the cafeteria led me to meeting Gen’s gaze her eyes boring into me. A shiver crept down my spine and I sighed popping up on my toes wrapping my arms around his neck tilting my lips up just beside his ear. “We’re talking later, Peter Kavinsky.” I whispered.

 I felt him hum and my eyes met Gen’s again where she sat a smirk over her lips. Was she not buying this? Suddenly I felt incredibly insecure and before I could stop myself I pressed a soft kiss to the nape of his neck his pulse jumping against my lips. His fingers twitched against my back and Gen was turned whispering furiously the the girls sat on either side of her.

 “I’m going to the library.” I said a little louder as I pulled back and he was leaning down so I pressed my finger to his lips and he met me with a crinkled forehead and wide eyes. “How am I supposed to study after kissing those lips?”

 A few hoots came from the table behind me and Peter smirked his tongue flickering out to wet his lips it just lightly touching my finger and _holy cow_. Snatching my hand back I fell onto my heels with a soft _click_ before quickly fleeting the cafeteria wondering if every encounter with Peter Kavinsky was gonna leave this heavy heat in the depths of my body.

 Absolutely no studying happened so instead I jot down a list of rules. The bell rang and by the time half the page was covered in my handwriting and I decided if this was going to happen there was going to be boundaries.

 I stayed late after school while Peter practiced, I spent the whole time reading my book so when the final whistle blew and I noticed all the boys jogging in towards the locker room I began packing up.

 “Lara Jean!” I heard my head popping up as I met Peter’s gaze and he held up his hand mouthing, ‘ _five minutes_ ’ so I nod standing up and smoothing my skirt down over my thighs. Suddenly my throat felt thick so I made my way down leaning to take a sip of the fountain when I heard giggling from the other around the back of the bleachers.

 Creeping around I noticed Gen and her friends quickly snapping back around the corner my eyes wide.

 “What is he kidding? _Lara Jean?_ As if.” Gen scoffed and I knew she didn’t like me but hearing her actually talking about me hurt. I knew we grew apart ever since she moved but I didn’t realize how much she actually detest me. “If I wasn’t so happy with James I’d get him back right now.” _Take him, I don’t want him_. I lied to myself fingers intertwining before me as I nibbled at my bottom lip.

 “Odds are we’ll be back together before the Ski Trip and Lara Jean will go back to being a boring old nobody.” The other girls laughed but I didn’t see what was so funny. I knew I wasn’t popular but it never mattered to me, I had Chris and Josh and John and that was plenty outside of my family but suddenly I was realizing how it was all coming down to Chris and even my family wasn’t all together anymore.

 Peter emerged from the locker room his hand up, “Lara Jean!” He called and my face inflamed as I stepped around the corner daring a glace over my shoulder and there she stood a smug look over her face as she flipped her golden hair over her shoulder. She knew Peter was hers and even though whatever we were doing wasn’t real it made me jealous because I wondered what it was like to be that confident and know someone was yours. John Ambrose wasn’t mine, I didn’t know if he’d ever come back and here Gen was so confident Peter would be hers again whenever she decided, it made me sick.

 Without thinking allowing my frustration and emotions to take over I ran over to him hoping up into his arms and kissing him. I could feel the surprise as his lips stalled against my own but it was replaced by amusement as he kissed me back fingers digging into my thighs and _wow, John never did that…_ I thought as he parted his lips but out came his teammates hooting and hollering breaking us from our embrace.

 He gently set me down a smug expression over my lips and when I turned over my shoulder Gen was gone and I _really hoped_ she saw that, for Peter of course.

 Sitting down at the picnic benches outside the gym I set my notebook between us as I pressed dug around for a pen. “So,” I began busying myself by flipping back to the page I wrote earlier, “ground rules.” Looking up at him he had an amused expression before pulling the notebook across the bench and swiping the pen from my fingers, “Hey!”

 “Hush Covey I’m reading the rules.” He teased and I had to stop myself from jumping across the table as he began to strike out rule after rule with scoff. “Peter! You can’t just get rid of everything.” I groaned snatching the pen from his hand mid strike.

 “Covey these rules are ridiculous.” He deadpanned.

 “Well considering I don’t even know what we’re doing I think they’re pretty fair.” I began grabbing my notebook and hugging it to my chest feeling a bit insecure.

 “I don’t want to get back together with Gen, it’s driving her crazy not knowing what’s going on between us. So I propose we let her sit on this awhile longer and,” He paused shifting uncomfortably his next words not so confident, “maybe Sundance Kid will realize what he let go of. It’s actually kinda perfect. You date me, Gen will think we’re over, and John will get jealous. It’s a win-win-win… Win?”

 I was trying to keep along with what he was proposing before I finally just said, “So we fake date?” And it kinda sucked, first I get this letter and then he’s telling me he just wants to use me.

 “Well its for mutual parties. You break the seal on me and Gen and I get you and John back together.” And he made it seem so simply but John Ambrose McClaren and I haven’t spoken since he broke up with me. I scoffed rolling my eyes, “I don’t think I’m really get much out of this considering John Ambrose lives in a different town.”

 Scoffing he held up his phone, “You know I got you girl.” And he clicked over to Instagram scrolling through his followers until he came across John’s name. _So he put some thought into this?_ Inhaling a deep breath I nodded slowly placing my notebook back on the table and flipping to a new page writing out:

  _Lara Jean Song-Covey & Peter Kavinsky “Dating” Contract: _

_No kissing._ And Peter scoffed immediately taking the notebook and flipping to a clean page. “Absolutely not how are people gonna buy us as a couple if we never touch?”

 Scoffing I pull the notebook back rewriting the title before leveling with him, _No kissing on the lips. “_ I’m compromising Kavinsky don’t ruin it.” I warned as he puffed out his chest sitting back into his seat. Quickly I jot down, _Peter is allowed to put a hand in Lara Jean’s back jean pocket._ And I was thankful my head was down writing because my cheeks flushed as I heard him hum in agreement.

 “I don’t know the exact mechanics of that when you’re always wearing those skirts but I’ll take it.” And I can’t exactly argue, I guess I’m gonna be wearing jeans more often.

 “Uh… Then I guess you can put your arm over my shoulder but I don’t want to hold hands.” I think back and all I can remember is the way John Ambrose would swirl soft circles into my skin with his thumb and kiss at my fingers. It hurt to actually think back to it all so when Peter coughed pulling me from my thoughts I was thankful.

 “I bet your hands are sweaty anyways.” Peter joked smugly.

 Scoffing I swat at him with my notebook, “They are not!”

 “I dunno Covey you’re quite protective of those fingers of yours, how can I even be sure where they’ve been.” I squeal popping up to smack him with the notebook blush hot over my cheeks.

 “Peter!” And he’s dissolved into a fit of laughter while I sit back my bottom lip puffed out into a pout.

 “Hey focus!” I call out tapping the pen over the table, “What’s something Gen always wanted you to do? Something that’ll help her realize you’ve moved on.” Peter composed himself before taking a beat of silence to think and once again he pulls the pen from me to jot down his own rule.

  _Peter will write Lara Jean one note everyday_. “That will drive her ass crazy.” He smugly notes before continuing to write, _Lara Jean will come with Peter to parties and go to his lacrosse games._ “Alright, alright,” I pulled the notebook back and skim over the rules my phone illuminating beside me showing a picture I’d yet to change of John Ambrose and myself at the beach over the summer.

 “Write down that you’ll make me your wallpaper.” He says tapping his finger over my phone a peculiar look crossing his face, “ _And_ vice versa!” I say before pointing my phone at him and he easily smiles and _God_ it’s actually obnoxious how handsome he is. I look down to change my phone wallpaper when I hear the familiar _click_ of his phone shutter reaching forward to snatch his phone from his hands.

 “Not right now, I’m sweaty and gross.” I whined and he just shrugged plucking his phone from my fingers. “You’re right.” _Owch._ I could punch him right now.

 “You have to drive me and Kitty to school everyday.” I muse not even giving him a chance to argue before writing it down into the contract. “Lara Jean I have a two-seater.” He reminds me but I wave him off, “I’ll give you a warning when Kitty needs a ride.” I promise and he sighs. No one would believe we’re dating if he doesn’t even take the time to pick me up before school.

 “Obviously we don’t tell anyone.” I note as an afterthought watching as he stands up to stretch his hoodie popping up _just enough_ and my face is hot. I cough turning my attention back to the paper as he comes around the table sitting down next to me. “Anything else? Like an end date or…” I trail off as I notice him light up taking the paper to me once more.

  _Lara Jean will go with Peter on the Ski Trip._ I gawk at him my eyebrows furrowing, “No way, that’s during Winter Break and Margot get’s back.” I’m holding my ground on this one. I can lie to anyone _but_ Margot and there’s no way I can look her in the eye and explain this kinda situation. This wasn’t exactly what she meant when she told me to branch out.

 “Oh _c’mon_ Lara Jean no girl in their right mind would let their boyfriend go on the ski trip alone. This is contingency.” And I was pretty certain Peter would either get bored or go back with Gen which is the only reason I said, “ _Okay_.” And I signed my name at the bottom before sliding it to Peter allowing him to do the same. Putting out my hand I smile and for a second he just looks at me take aback before chuckling and shaking my hand in his own.

 “Deal.”

* * *

 That weekend I finally heard from John Ambrose it was a simple text message and after about four exchanges it was like he suddenly dropped off the face of the Earth and I was the one waiting for a response.

 That night I was baking a new recipe for vanilla bean cupcakes when my phone rang across the island without thinking I lunged forward spilling my flour all over my front. Groaning I pick up the phone my voice hopeful, “Hello?”

 “Hey, what are you doing?”

 “Uh… Who’s this?” I asked my heart sinking as I began to dust the flour off my front side.

 “It’s Peter!” And I groan because he was really the last person I was expecting to call because, “Wait, how did you get my number?”

 “Don’t worry about it, what are you doing tonight?”

 “Uh, baking?” Why did he have that effect on me that made me question everything I was doing? It was actually quite annoying. “I found this new vanilla bean cupcake recipe and I’m hoping that this one will-”

 “ _Yeah, yeah_ I need you to come to a party with me.”

 “ _Absolutely not_.” I hang up tossing the phone across the island and I don’t answer the next three calls feeling satisfaction that I rejected Peter Kavinsky. I cleaned up my mess tossing the flour into the garbage and restarted the recipe when the door rang.

 “Kitty!” I called out and she groaned rolling herself off the couch before stomping to the door muttering under her breath. “ _Who_ are you?” She asks tentatively and my heart sinks, _Oh no…_

 “Lara Jean it’s for you.” She teased turning to me with a mischievous smile and low and behold there is Peter Kavinsky standing in my living room looking ten times more handsome than I’ve ever seen him. “ _My God he looks tasty.”_

 “What did you say?” Peter asked amused and Kitty was doubled over in laughter and I didn’t get it until he added, “Tasty?” And squeaked my eyes widening because _no way_ that was in my head! At least I thought it was.

 “Okay, you’re leaving.” I stutter walking over to him and pushing him backwards by his chest but he doesn’t budge just looks down at me his lip popped into a pout. “C’mon Lara Jean it’s just a party.” And I knew the expression he was giving me like he if we were alone he’d bring up the contract but we weren’t so he couldn’t and I was taking _full_ advantage of that.

 “What about a party?” Daddy said as he entered the room and I swear it was like he had a ‘ _teenage male’_ detector. “Oh wow, is that _Peter Kavinsky?_ Little Peter Kavinsky! You’re as tall as me now.” Daddy said amused as he walked over into the center of the room.

 “Good to see you again, Dr. Covey,” Peter began easily sliding around me to give Daddy a handshake, “You can call me Dan.” And I stand there my mouth agape eyebrows furrowed as I try to understand _what is going on_.

 “I’m here to pick up Lara Jean, my friend’s having a party,” He began before quickly added, “the parents will be home and I _will_ have her home early. Is it alright if we go?” And Daddy was _much too_ excited to just swoop in with a “ _Yes_.” That I couldn’t contain myself with a quick, “ _No_.” Shuffling back over to the cupcakes I spent the last hour trying to get started.

 Peter scoffed holding his arms out in a state of, ‘ _Covey what the hell?’_ and I just ignored him going about measuring the ingredients for the millionth time. I felt Daddy’s hands on my shoulder and I gripped at the counter shaking my head. “I think Kitty and I can handle some cupcakes, you go have some fun with your _friend_ Peter Kavinsky.” I was shaking my head silently begging Daddy with my eyes but it was futile. “You get dressed, get changed you look like a,” and I cut him off trying to stick my feet to the ground but my damn socks were making it easier to slide me across the flooring. “No, Daddy don’t, _please_.” I ran out of counter space and I pouted standing there, “ _Crazy person.”_ He teased

 I stood there for a moment longer before accepting defeat and shuffling upstairs hearing daddy mutter to Peter. “ _No_ drinking. _No_ drugs.” And I turned on the stairs to see Daddy hold up his hands giving Peter as serious as a look as he could muster. “And _no hands_.” I giggled as Peter nodded looking over at me, “You got it, _Dan.”_ And I sputtered sticking my tongue out like a child before running the rest of the way up the stairs.

 Stupid smug handsome charming Peter Kavinsky. Was there anyone immune to his charms? Probably not. I knew I sure as heck wasn't and  _that_ sucked.


	3. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter takes Lara Jean to a party and Lara Jean keeps losing people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer than usual but I couldn't help myself. Also some of what's said _is taken from the book because the brilliance of some encounters are too good to not be added in. Enjoy the soft little babies while I cry._

 Standing outside the house I unconsciously began to pull my hair up into a ponytail before I felt Peter snatch my scrunchie from my fingers and toss it somewhere into the yard. “ _Hey!”_

 _“_ It looks better down, trust me.” Peter ran his fingers through my hair giving it a few swipes with his hand to fluff it up and I’m in a little too much shock because the letter, _he did_ like my hair down. I blush swatting his hand away looking down as I tried to compose myself when I heard the soft _click_ and I stare up at him in horror.

 “In case Gen checks my phone.” He simply states setting the phone as his wallpaper and I whine, “Can we take another?” I didn’t like the way my cheeks were rosy it was like he was invading in on my emotions.

 “Nah, I like it. You look pretty.” And for a moment I believed him but then he took my hand and leads me into the house and I realized he was just trying to get me to get inside to the party. But it felt good to be complimented by Peter Kavinsky even if he didn’t mean it.

 His arm smoothly slung over my shoulder and I felt a rush of pride because Peter Kavinsky was here _with me_. Or wait, I was here with him? Either way it felt nice because he was showing me off and John never did this. He wasn’t the bragging type so this was a whole different type of rush.

 But the rush came to a sudden halt when I met the eyes of non other than Gen herself. Peter was too busy greeting his friends but her eyes were _locked_ on me even as she whispered to her friend Emily. “Heyyyy, Lara Jean come sit by us.” She waved me over with her fingers and I felt my stomach drop it was only in that moment I realized Peter was gone and _fantastic._

Emily drilled me about Peter and when we started dating. Peter and I never discussed the timeline of things so I stuttered over my words and much to Gen’s amusement I feel like she caught me in our lie. _Peter’s gonna be pissed_. And all I could think about is how I wish I was home making those cupcakes because Daddy’s probably messing up the frosting or putting too much vanilla bean in them. Or worse, he’s over-baking them and everyone’s going to think I can’t make a cupcake.

 I deflate my eyes scanning the floor as Gen speaks, “I think it’s adorable.” And it was so condescending, she thought this was a pity date if only she knew I got a letter just like she did _maybe then_ she’d shut up. So before I could stop myself I blurted out, “I think it had to do with the letter I got,” and she froze her icy stare setting on me once more and I could see her fingertips turning white against her glass, “ _Excuse_ me?” She grits through her teeth and I lost all my nerve.

 “The uh, letter Peter sent me, that’s really how we started.” I swallow back my fear and before she could say anything else I get up and scurry off to the bathroom. I want to go home, I never even wanted to come to this lame party but here I was nevertheless.

 Coming out of the bathroom Gen is gone from the couch and Peter is sitting in an arm-chair surrounded by friends with nowhere for me to sit. So I waltz over doing exactly what a girlfriend would do, I gain up the courage and before he could even great me I plop down in his lap like a girl who’s done it a million times before. For extra effect I turn my face towards his and press a kiss to his cheek except he’s turning his head to me yelping in surprise and I have bad aim so it’s an awkward half kiss on the lips and I’m blushing.

 “Hey,” he pulls his hand up to cough into it and before I could let him finish I kiss him again. It’s against the contract, _it’s against the rules_ but I do it because his friends were looking at me and I could _feel_ Gen’s stare.

 Peter didn’t need any convincing and I could taste something vinegary on his lips but I didn’t care. His hand pulled me closer my hand bracing against his chest and this felt _good_. Kissing John Ambrose never felt this tingly. I wait until the boys around us are hooting and hollering before I pull back just in time to see Gen whisper to Emily and stalk about of the room. _Success!_

Peter disappeared to get me a drink ten minutes ago and I was starting to feel nervous so I gain up the courage to head towards the kitchen stopping right in my tracts when I see Genevieve and Peter talking. She whispering but I could see the redness of her neck alerting me to her anger and Peter had his arms tightly wound around his chest.

 He turned his gaze away and saw me standing there and his eyes softened but Gen turned to see me grabbing his arm and tugging him back around the corner. Here comes the vomit feeling again. I turn to walk away and run right into Lucas Krapf and he smiles so warmly at me I almost cry. _A familiar face_.

 “What are they even fighting about?”

 I just shrug rolling my eyes because I’m so over tonight, I’m over Gen and Peter and I just want to go home and bake the cupcakes _the right way_ before tomorrow. But a little part of me inside hopes its about me and that Peter will greet me with a huge grin because our plan is _working_.

 “Fighting isn’t a good sign Lara Jean, it means you still care.” Lucas said leaning in close to me as if he was telling me a secret and I could smell the beer on his breath. _Hmmm…_ I hummed because I knew Genevieve still cares and I felt stupid to believe that Peter didn’t still care about her. “Just be careful.” He quips patting me on the back so I smile nodding.

 “Thank you,” I whisper just as Peter stalks around the corner straight towards us a pained expression over his face, “Ready to go?” He asks tightly just walking away and I stand there dumbfounded for a second before turning to Lucas waving a goodbye as I have to all but jog to catch up with him.

 Any progress we’d made tonight is probably gone as Genevieve watches me _chase him_ out of the house because of whatever she said. _Great, way to show her she still has control Peter_.

 “ _God!_ She drives me crazy!” Peter says in the safety of the car, after a beat he starts up the car driving down towards the street, “What did you say to her?” his fingers wound tightly around the wheel was telling me he wasn’t exactly happy.

 “I told her we got together last week and-” Peter let out a full body groan, “We hooked up last week.” And I scoff because this _did_ happen last week how was I supposed to know about his sexual endeavors? And didn’t she have a boyfriend?

 “I told her about the letter.” The car halted suddenly my head jerking forward and I felt like I’d done something wrong but the bemused expression over his lips as he turned to me said differently.

 “She’s so jealous it’s killing her.” And for a moment I believe he’s actually trying to get her back instead of _breaking the seal_ so I just nod with a soft, “ _Yay_.” I don’t want her to kill me and I don’t find this all fair because he wrote me a love letter and all he can do it focus on Genevieve. I was starting to think the letter meant nothing more than a ploy to make her more jealous.

 I sank down in my seat nibbling over my lip as a few minutes pass I finally speak, “How did you know you loved Genevieve?”

 “God, Lara Jean. You do you ask questions like this?” He groaned and I just shrug because I’m a naturally curious person.

 “John and I never said I love you.” I softly respond and I notice his grip on the wheel finally letting up and there’s a beat of silence so I decide to push my question, “Why are you so afraid to answers those kinda of questions?”

 “I’m not afraid!”

 “Then answer the question, it’s not that hard.” And it wasn’t for me, John Ambrose and I never loved each other. Maybe we could have if he didn’t move and we got to spend more time together. There were a lot of ‘ _what if’s’_ when it came to John Ambrose McClaren but I was confident when I said I never loved him no matter how sad the realization made me.

 “I don’t know if I ever really loved Genevieve, how would I even know what that felt like? I’m _seventeen_.” And he’s right but Margot and Josh knew. I was going to press the question further because honestly I didn’t like his answer, people our age were getting married a hundred years ago but I knew as soon as he pulled up to my house the question was done.

 I stall for a moment pulling my hair up into a bun and securing it was a spare scrunchie I had at the bottom of my purse. “Did you know that when people fight it means they still really care about one another.” John Ambrose and I never fought, like it was almost unnatural how easy it was being with him. Margot and Josh fought, sometimes so passionately I could hear them in my room upstairs but me and John Ambrose McClaren were _always_ on the same page.

 “Gen must really have a hold on you,” I whisper my voice coming out small because the more I saw into their relationship the more I saw the holes in my own. My phone vibrated in my lap I was about to check it when Peter spoke.

 “She does but I wish she didn’t,” I looked over at him eyes wide because he was so _honest_ sometimes. This was the Peter who wrote the letter, so honest and soft, “I don’t want to be owned or belong to anyone.” I sank down because I wanted to be, it seems so romantic to belong to someone and have someone be yours in return.

 “John and I we never,” I exhaled softly my cheeks heating, “we never really belonged to each other. Sure we were dating but I don’t think we ever really- I mean we never actually gave ourselves to each other… If you know what I mean.” And when I finally dared a look over at Peter his eyes were locked onto me eyebrows risen high into his crinkled forehead.

 “You never had sex? You were together for two years.” I cringed because I wonder if everyone thought we had? The truth was John Ambrose had always gotten me home fifteen minutes before curfew and even if Margot and Josh left we’d just hang out with Kitty and Daddy. We were never really alone and the farthest we got was a little making out but he never pushed it further, sometimes I wanted him to but he was so _respectful_.

 “Not everyone who’s been together for two years have had sex.” And he scoffed suddenly making me feel incredibly insecure because what if we didn’t have sex or anything near it because John didn’t want to?

 “Most likely, I guess it depends on the girl and the guy but I would definitely have put my money on it.” Peter shrugged and I could cry right now. What if Margot and Josh had sex? Two years and he never drove me near as mad as Peter Kavinsky had done within the last week. That was a revelation.

 “You must really love her to go through all this trouble…” Peter makes a dismissive sound and I was glad to turn the tables back onto him.

 “You’re too dreamy-eyed.”

 “Thank you,” I quip even though he didn’t mean it that way but it was nice to bug him. His face turns sour as he looks over at me.

 “What would you know about love, Lara Jean? You just told me you were with Sundance Kid for two years and you never even said it let alone felt it.” He frozen as I flinched my heart clenching and there’s that vomiting feeling in my throat again. “ _Lara Jean,”_ He began but I just held my hand up shaking my head with a watery smile.

 “You’re right and obviously you’ve never loved anyone but yourself.” I turn to yank the door open but it’s locked and I shove at it angrily because I want to _get out_.

 “Lara Jean wait- _hey, whoa, whoa, whoa_ ,” Peter quickly spews out as he gently rests his hand on my shoulder and if I wasn’t so mad I would have loved how warm his palm felt even thought my jacket.

 “See you Monday.” I quipped _finally_ unlocking the door and shoving myself out of the car stumbling a little bit. “And I can take the bus.” Before he could argue I slam the door in his face and turn to head inside wanting to hold it together until I get upstairs because I just know Kitty and Daddy are waiting on the other side of that door with a million questions.

 “ _Lara Jean_ ,” Peter easily caught up to me pressing his hands on either side of my shoulder so I was stuck as he stood between me and my house, “I didn’t mean that.”

 “Peter _please_ , it’s fine I just want to go inside.” I begged looking up at Peter suddenly realizing how small I was in comparison. “I forgive you or whatever but next time you decide you want to say something insulting my relationship take a look at yourself and realize what you’re doing to get out of yours. Obviously I’m not the one here with a problem.”

 He was stunned, his jaw slack as I brushed his hand off me quickly walking inside facing Daddy and Kitty. They took a look at me and I gave them my best smile before nodding upstairs. “I’m tired, I’ll tell you guys about it tomorrow.” And they let me go because I was a terrible liar and even Kitty quickly averted Daddy’s attention by talking up a storm about dogs and how they’re _magnificent_ mood boosters. I was so thankful for Kitty sometimes.

 John Ambrose called me that night, we talked for hours and in the darkness of my room I felt so lonely even with his voice on the other line. He told me all about his week and how clubs were off to a great start. I kept humming along not really listening as he happily talked.

 “Lara Jean?” He asked and I hummed, ‘ _What?’_ and the phone went silent for a moment before he cleared his throat. “I’ve been calling your name, are you okay?” No, I wanted to tell him everything- the letter, Peter and Gen, and ask why he didn’t love me. Instead I just fake a yawn because I’m a coward.

 “Yeah, I’m sorry it’s just been a long night. I went with Peter to a party tonight,”

 “Peter? Peter _Kavinsky?”_

 _“Uh_ , yeah?”

 “Why were you at a party with Peter Kavinksy?” He was jealous, John Ambrose McClaren was _jealous_ that I went to a party with Peter, “What was he trying to make Gen jealous or something?” He scoffed and I flinched a loud sputter coming from my lips because _wow, okay rude._

 _“_ So Peter could only be interested in taking me to a party to make Genevieve jealous?! Has it ever occurred to you that _maybe_ Peter likes me?” John sighed and there was a shuffle on his end but I was so angry I didn’t even realize I’d already sat up.

 “Lara Jean I didn’t mean it like that and you know I didn’t,” his voice was as calm as ever and I wanted to scream at him _fight with me! show me you care!!, “_ it’s just we all know Peter and Genevieve are a thing. They have a history.”

 “ _We_ have a history and you still dumped me.”

 Silence.

 “Listen Lara Jean it was nice catching up but I have to head to bed. I’ll talk to you later.” And he hung up. Just then my phone illuminated with a notification from Instagram.

 _p_kavinsky tagged you in a photo._ Clicking into my phone there we were me perched on his lap happily laughing about some stupid thing one of his friends said. An actual candid despite the falsehood of our relationship. I didn’t even know this picture was taken but suddenly I was incredibly happy he posted it. _me and bae._ I smiled because _in your face John Ambrose McClaren I am Peter Kavinsky’s bae._

Opening up a message I sent him a quick text, ‘ _Thanks “bae“.’_ and he wouldn’t know what I said it for but that was okay because when he text back a kissing emoji I just rolled my eyes and went to sleep. Tonight was enough of a roller-coaster without having to fill Peter in with all the details.

* * *

 “What do you mean you talked with John Ambrose on the phone?” Peter asked on our way to school and I just shrugged not even knowing why I brought it up. Did I want to make _Peter_ jealous? Well it obviously wasn’t working.

 “Oh, like you don’t call Genevieve? Don’t even try to say it’s different because _it isn’t_. If you ask me I think it’s a little weird that you talk with your _ex-girlfriend_ on the phone when _you’re_ the one trying to ‘ _break the seal’._ ” And he just sputtered grunting dismissively so we sat in silence the rest of the way to school.

 However, appearance is everything so we plastered smiles over our faces and as I stepped over to Peter’s side his hand slid into my back pocket. “ _Oh, okay holy cow.”_ I blushed and Peter chuckled beside me.

 “Calm down Lara Jean it’s just a pocket.” And I did it again, I really need to learn the difference between _inner_ thought and spoken words. How did I not realize how intimate this was? His palm was warm against me and with every few step I could swear I felt his fingers twitch. I was so focused on his hand in my pocket I didn’t realize we entered the cafeteria, he moved to remove his hand and I felt a little pout forming but he grabbed back onto my pocket and spun me.

 I giggled reaching out to grab him steadying myself and getting lost in his beautiful face I didn’t realize he was holding up a note for a moment. My cheeks inflamed as I plucked it from his fingers he leaned forward brushing my hair back pressing a soft kiss just below my ear. _Oh, that tingles_. I hummed my eyes falling shut as he whispered lowly in my ear. “Good job.”

  _Oh_ , right. I coughed as he slid away from me suddenly realizing all the eyes that were on me. I nervously chuckled before rushing out of the Cafeteria running right in Josh. “ _Josh!”_ I squeaked out my eyes wide and I held the note behind my back like a child.

 “Hey Lara Jean,” He began his eyes looking back in the cafeteria to where Peter sat with his friends laughing, “so you and _Kavinsky?”_ The way he said his name was almost like an insult.

 “What’s wrong with Peter Kavinsky?” I asked even thought I knew why he was being so defensive, him and John had gotten pretty buddy-buddy over the past two years and now that I’m _with_ someone else Josh didn’t approve. “You know _he_ dumped me right, Josh?” I accused and he held up his hands in mock surrender.

 “I’m just saying he’s a complete dick and you’re this sweet and innocent girl.” And I scoff because he had _no right_ to tell me who he _thought_ Peter Kavinsky was.

 “As apposed to who? John Ambrose McClaren? Yeah he’s such a _great guy_.” And Josh looked at me taken aback before grabbing my arm and I snatched it away. “Who do you think you are Josh?! You can’t tell me who to date and you _certainly_ have no right telling me who you think _my boyfriend_ is. And just so you know I’m not _that_ innocent.”

 “Oh yeah right Lara Jean, John and I talk.” I clenched my jaw my nostrils flaring because he had _no right_. It was like he was shoving my own virginity in my face. “I bet he’s already tried to get in your pants.” I gawk, it took _everything_ in me not to slap the living heck out of Josh. I’ve never known him to be this rude, was he really wishing I’d be sitting at home pinning for John Ambrose than try to be happy? Or worse was he really taking John’s side in this whole breakup? The further this conversation was moving I felt Josh’s friendship slipping through my fingers like sand.

 “Who do you think _I am_ if you think I’d let Peter Kavinsky bust a move on me when it’s only been a week?” I’m wounded, what was it with every man in my life letting me down recently?

 “Really Lara Jean? So we’re just not gonna be friends anymore?”

 “Josh!” I called out my voice wavering finding myself at my whits end, “I don’t know how to be friends with you like this! We can’t go back to how it was _before_ when it was just the two of us friends and we _definitely_ can’t go back to how things were when all of us were double dating.”

 “If John knew you were dating Peter,” he began and I scoffed a bitter laugh escaping my lips because this is _unbelievable_ Josh was _my friend_ before he ever knew John Ambrose and now suddenly its a bromance. It was clear as day who’s side he was taking and my heart couldn’t handle the loss. I choked back the laugh as it was suddenly replacing itself with a watery snort.

 “I think you should leave, Sanderson.” I didn’t even realize Peter was behind me and I don’t think I’d ever more grateful. His hand slid over my waist pulling me back into him and I offload some of my weight onto his side. Josh looks between us a few times before scoffing and walking off with a shake of his head.

  _Goodbye Josh Sanderson._

 How many other people was I going to lose in the matter of a month? I begin walking off when I heard Peter’s classic, “ _Whoa, whoa, whoa- hey!”_ He easily catches my arm hopping in front of me and this was becoming quite the common theme between the two of us.

 “Hey, are you okay?” His eyes held a certain softness and I realized he was _actually_ worried about me. I shaking my head because no, I’m _not_ okay.

 “I’m gonna go to class, see you later Peter.” I mumble pressing up giving him a kiss and maybe I brushed a little closer to his lips the corner of our mouths touching because I really was thankful for him. If I were to lose John and Josh at least I had Peter and it was a great feeling knowing at least somebody had my back.

 I hurried off to class sliding into my chair the teacher not looking up from her book, I looked down at the crinkled note in my hand addressed to me in Peter’s sloppy scrawl a little heart next to my name. Carefully I smooth it out over the desk before opening it.

  _I like that you’re dreamy-eyed and I’m sorry about yesterday._


	4. The Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean meets Peter's family and starts to fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are literally so amazing, thank you for all your wonderful comments and words of encouragement. I love writing this for you guys and I hope you guys are enjoying this as much as I am.

 The aftermath of my fight with Josh Sanderson was quiet, it wasn’t like he’d come over anymore so Kitty and Daddy’s didn’t have to face the wrath of his disapproving stares. I, however, got them every time he saw me in the hallways and more often than not I was with Peter so I’d just pull myself closer to him and sometimes I’d dare pressing a kiss to his cheek. Peter was always surprised when I kissed him but then he’d see Josh out of the corner of his eye and his smile would fade, only a little bit.

 I could only assume that Josh had spoken with John Ambrose McClaren because he hasn’t called in weeks. Once I’d pulled up his messages and saw him typing but it went away and our silence ensued. Nothing had prepared me for losing two of my best friends and even talking with Margot had gotten weird as I was hiding the biggest part of my life from her.

 “ _Oh yeah_ , by the way Margot you remember Peter Kavinsky right? Yeah him! We’re kinda fake dating- _no biggie_. Don’t worry about it, it’s just to make John Ambrose jealous and I’m failing miserably.” Saying it out loud made it ten times more ridiculous so I’d stuck to asking her about school and she asked me about Josh so I froze up and hung up with some lame excuse about Kitty needing help with homework.

  _Good job, Lara Jean_.

 Things at school were moving along.

 Peter’s hand had taken up a permanent residence in my back pocket and fake dating him was getting easier, so easy that I’d forget it was fake. Peter Kavinsky had a way of making you feel special and I wasn’t immune to his charms, in fact I think I might be falling for them.

 It was late October when I realized it for the first time. We were sitting at lunch his hand resting on my thigh mine mirroring itself over on his as we talking with his friends when Greg decided he had a new nickname for me.

 “ _Largie!_ Get it? Because you’re so small!” And in one motion he had me up over his shoulder spinning me around. I hadn’t laughed so hard in a long time and when he put me down Peter’s hands steadied my hips pulling me back onto the bench eyes shinning. I remember those gold specks from seventh grade but right now they were more beautiful than my memory presented.

 His hand reached out to brush the hair from my cheek smoothing it down over my shoulder and just something as simple as that sent a flutter of wings straight to my stomach. It was a reflex really, I didn’t realize I did it until I saw Peter’s reaction but I caught his hand in my own pressing a soft kiss to the inside of his wrist and for a moment, _just a moment,_ I thought he was looking at me the same way I knew I was looking at him.

 Peter picked me up that night for dinner with his mom, I was nervous but he assured me it was just because we’d been spending so much time together. I put one a nice dress, not too nice because I didn’t want her to think I was trying too hard, and I kept fussing with my hair in the pull down mirror of Peter’s car.

 “You look good Covey, stop worrying.”

 We ended up having pizza and Peter’s mom had gone all out setting up a wide array of toppings along the counter and we all made the pizzas together. Throughout dinner she kept piling salad onto my plate and despite being full I kept eating. When I dared to look over at her she was smiling softly at me and she looks _so much_ like Peter when she smiles so I couldn’t help but smile back.

 “Peter says you have two sisters,” Mrs. Kavinsky asks and I nod as I watch her slice her lettuce into bite-sized pieces, “your mother must love having three girls.” Out of the corner of my eye I can see the pained expression over Peter’s face and before I could answer he speaks.

 “Mom, I told you Lara Jean’s mom passed away when she was little,” and she was embarrassed and I felt horrible because it wasn’t that big of a deal but she was already apologizing.

 “She did love having three girls,” I said quickly interjecting trying to lighten the mood back up, “they thought my little sister Kitty was going to be a boy and my mom was actually nervous because all she knew was girls. We were all relieved when Kitty turned out to be a girl, Margot and I actually prayed every night we would get a sister and not a brother.”

 “And what’s wrong with boys?” Peter asks cocking a smooth eyebrow at me.

 “You’re heathens, wild animals. I bet Lara Jean and her sisters are angels.” Mrs. Kavinsky said and she was smiling now as she placed another piece of pizza on Owen’s plate and he was quick to munch it down despite the heat.

 Peter snorted and I gave him a challenging look, “Well, Kitty might be part heathen but Margot and I are pretty good.” Everything was calming down as Mrs. Kavinsky went to take another pizza from the oven and I notice Owen is eyeing me, I counter him with a quirk of my eyebrow.

 “You wear more makeup than Genevieve did.” I flinch back like he slapped me as I sink down into the chair. _What?_ I know for a _fact_ that I wear less makeup than Gen does. I only wear mascara and lip gloss and Genevieve was more of a full face type of girl.

 “Shut up, Owen.” Peter swiftly says and Owen just snickers but I feel Peter’s hand under the table giving my leg a little squeeze and I feel a little better.

 Owen had run upstairs after dinner to play some video games and Mrs. Kavinsky retired to her room asking if we could clean up, I had no problem helping. I was shuffling dishes around in the sink as Peter put the pizza away when I suddenly felt my curious nature spiking up again.

 “Hey Peter?” I ask hearing a soft hum from where he stood behind me near the table, “Well… Your parents are divorced, right?” I heard him stop for a moment before going back to stacking the dishes.

 “Yup.” He pops and I almost feel bad for asking.

 “So how often do you see your dad?” I push turning over my shoulder to look at him as I dry my hands on one of the towels. I didn’t realized he stopped and was looking right at me until this moment.

 “Not often.” I mouth a soft, ‘ _Oh,’_ but he was looking at me with those eyes, I could see he was expecting something so I fluster shifting in place.

 “What?” I ask pressing my fingers through my hair nervously.

 “I’m just waiting for the next question, you’ve never only just asked one.”

 “Do you miss him?” I blurt out, because he was right I was waiting to ask another question I just didn’t want to push him. His eyebrow quirks in confusion and I sigh, “Your dad, Peter!”

 He just nods shrugging his shoulders as he walk closer I back myself over to the counter pulling myself up and over the surface. “I think I miss more of how it used to be with all of us. We were like,” he pauses for a moment leaning his elbow on the counter his fingers just shy of my thigh, “like a team, he used to come to all my games and he just… Took care of things.”

 That’s what dad’s do, at least that’s what Daddy did. After mom died he had to become both our mother and father and if you ask me he did a pretty amazing job but not without the assist of Margot. But Daddy did good.

 “Now that’s what he’s doing with his new family.” And I’d never seen Peter so open, he was bitter and wounded and I wanted to reach out but I let him keep talking. “What about you, do you miss your mom?”

 “Sometimes when I think about it but other times,” I sigh nibbling over my lip a feeling of guilt building up within me, “I don’t think about her at all… I’ll have a thought wondering what she would think of me now because she only knew me as a little girl… I wonder if she’d even recognize me as a teenager if she were to see me somewhere.”

 “Of course she would, Lara Jean, she’s your mom.” Peter was so quick to answer and his voice was confident but I counter, “I know she’s my mom but I’ve changed so much.” And he goes silent, there a moment of an uncomfortable silence forming across his face and I know he regrets complaining about his dad. And Peter’s looking at me like he feels sorry for me and that’s uncomfortable.

 “I’m _very_ mature, you know?” And he’s grinning countering me with a soft nudge to my thigh and my skin burns where he touches me. “Oh yeah?” And I’m chuckling because the mood suddenly feels lighter, “ _Oh, yes_ I’m very refined, Peter.”

 There’s a beat of silence as he goes back to working on the food. “I can tell my mom likes you.” And my heart swelled because I was so nervous, it was great to hear that she approved of me even if we were just fake dating.

 I slid off the counter and go back to the dishes helping him finish rinsing and placing them into the dishwasher when I feel Peter step behind me to grab the last dish from the sink. His front is pressed against my back and I could feel his breath against my ear as he leans down. I look over my shoulder up at him and he stops, we just stand there for a moment he was _so close_ all I had to do was tilt my chin up and I could kiss him.

 Peter’s eyes flicker down to my lips and I unconsciously lick them, I could see the way he swallows back. For a moment I thought he wanted me too, that he was even going to lean down and kiss me but instead he just smiles.

 “By the way Covey,” he says breaking away to add the glass to the dishwasher before shutting it. I hum out because my voice would have given me away. “You definitely don’t wear more makeup than Gen, she was always getting bronzer on my white shirts.” I just chuckle because she was always going to be a presence wasn’t she? The heat within me snuffed out and I nod to the door bouncing on my heels.

 “I should probably get home now, Peter.” He doesn’t argue even though I wished he would.

 

* * *

 The next day Peter pulls up in a minivan and I smile even though Kitty’s looking at it with her nose turned up a waffle sticking out from her mouth. _You are a heathen_. I think with a chuckle before nodding her forward, “Let’s go Kitty.”

 

 Peter’s head pokes out from the door and she brightens up just a bit before remembering he’s in a lame tan mini van and not his posh Audi.

 “What are you driving?” She asks crawling into the backseat and Peter turns to look at her eyeing the drink her her hand.

 “Lara Jean said you needed a ride today- say little LJ what’s that in your hand?” And she scoffs with her typical Kitty attitude.

 “My name is _Katherine Song Covey_ , Kitty to my friends, _you_ can call me Katherine.” She sassily remarked before looking down at her hand. “This is a Korean smoothie from the Korean grocery store.”

 Peter held her hand out and she eyed him carefully before passing it over him taking a long sip his eyebrows shooting up as he looked over at me. “ _Whoa_ , this is really good.” He mused and Kitty perked up in the backseat.

 “Bring me one of those tomorrow Lara Jean will you? For services rendered.” I narrow my eyes shooting Peter a look so he quickly corrects, “I mean the rides! Geez.” My cheeks still flushed though and Kitty being Kitty made it worse.

 “ _Lara Jean_ you’re always red, if you’re getting sick stay away from me. I have a very important field trip today and I can’t enjoy it if I’m sick.” And I wanted to die, right there. Peter smirked finishing off the yogurt smoothie and I wanted to disappear.

 “ _I’ll_ bring you one, Peter. As long as you give me a ride to school tomorrow, too.” Kitty says even though I shoot her a look and she just smiles. I’m really happy Kitty is getting along with Peter but I’m also terrified because she was so hurt when she lost Josh and John Ambrose. When all of this ends with Peter I don’t know how she was going to take it.

 “That’s my girl.” And I loved how much Peter cared for Kitty, it made my heart warm so I just smiled over at him because Kitty loved the attention he was giving her. I just didn’t want it her to get burned again, a part of me wished we could have just left our families out of this in general. But it was too late for that.

 It was later in Chemistry that Peter slipped a note onto my desk- _Can I come over tonight to study?_ I nibbled at my lower lip before quickly scrawling down on the paper passing it to him a playful smile over my lips. _I don’t remember study dates being in the contract_. He turns and gives me a somewhat wounded look and I roll my eyes giving his shoulder a playful nudge. _‘Just kidding!’_ I mouth and he smiles turning back around.

 

* * *

 

  That afternoon Chris and I are sitting in my room munching on some snacks when she turns her attention to me with a peculiar expression.

 “So tell me, Lara Jean how far _have_ you guys gone?” I choke on my water throwing myself into a coughing fit as I narrow a pointed expression at her.

 “Nowhere Christine! And we plan on going absolutely _nowhere_.” She wrinkled up her nose as I used her full name before scoffing. “I’m not like that, you should know considering John Ambrose and I went literally _nowhere_ in the two years we were together.”

 Groaning she falls back onto the bed, “John Ambrose McClaren was a _prude_ I thought since you were dating Peter Kavinsky that would change.”

 “What’s that supposed to mean?” I got defensive because she was the second person to insinuate Peter was a man who was driven by sex. He’d only ever been with Genevieve! Even if they probably did do it like…

 “We all know Peter and Gen were doing it like bunnies.” Chris finished out my thought and I shivered because I didn’t want to think of Peter in bed with Genevieve… Or in bed at all!

 “This conversation is over Chris, we’re not talking about Peter’s sex life or lack there of now that we’re dating.” And she groaned before I easily turned her attention back to herself. I loved Chris but she was so easily swayed into talking about herself which was nice because when she put you in the hot seat it sure did get sweaty.

 Chris left a little bit later out the window because, “ _It’s more dramatic this way Lara Jean._ ” I snorted and went downstairs where Kitty was lounging on the couch and Daddy was in the kitchen making dinner.

 “Christine joining us tonight?” Daddy asked and I shake my head walking over to the island to get a look at what he was making. “No, she left but Peter’s coming over tonight if that’s okay? Just to study.” He gave me a curious look and I just smiled because Daddy knew Chris and her crazy antics but I was starting to think the look was more because of Peter.

 “I guess I should be lucky she’s the one crawling in and out of your window and not Peter Kavinsky.” I squawked my cheeks heating up and some parents might think it was because their child was caught in a lie but he knew me and both of us knew it was because I was genuinely embarrassed he even insinuated it. “Just keep the door open.” And he was joking but I still groan, we wouldn’t even be in my room, _no way_.

 Although the mental imagine of Peter crawling through my window did light something within me but it was quickly extinguished as Kitty bounced over, “What kind of snacks are you making?” She said her hands greedily rubbing together and I snorted rolling my eyes.

 After dinner Kitty and I do the dishes and I set everything up downstairs, I even made snacks for us. Kettle corn and some peanut-butter brownies freshly made. Time ticks by and I sitting at the table mindlessly flipping through the book, maybe he was just late? I sent him a text message and I get no reply. I waited for two hours until I cleaned everything up, Kitty came over eyeing the brownies which I just slide over to her.

 “Peter not coming over?” She asks a smidgen of pity in her tone and I just shrug piling everything into my arms as I begin to clean up.

 It wasn’t until everything was cleaned and I was getting ready to go to bed that Peter texted me.

_Sorry something came up, I can’t come over tonight_. I didn’t need to ask him where he was because I already knew, he was with Genevieve. Of course it didn’t end there because why would it? The next day he was so preoccupied with his phone at lunch I felt invisible, Peter Kavinsky had that effect on me.

 Later I was walking by the girl’s locker room when I saw them, I tucked myself behind the corner thankful that they didn’t see me. They were just talking but the way Genevieve placed her hand on his arm and he brushed her hair out of her eyes it didn’t feel like it. Just because I was a fake girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m stupid to what that was and that _wasn’t_ nothing.

 I can’t believe I cleaned up and baked brownies for him, what if I did this to him? What if I promised to go to the diner with him and ditched him for John Ambrose McClaren? I’m starting to think this whole charade has no point and it was time to end it. Nothing was in it for me anymore because John Ambrose was gone and Peter? Yeah, he definitely wasn’t breaking any seal.

 The next day I do something I never imagined I’d be doing. I knock on Josh Sanderson’s door and when he opens it his eyes are wide and I’m a little sad. I think maybe he can tell because he offers me a ride to school and I’m all too eager to accept. See how Peter likes it when he comes to pick me up and I’m not there.

 “So,” Josh begins and I look over at him curiously, “did you and Kavinsky fight?” I swear I’m like a book because _everyone_ can read me.

 “No.” I lie and he eyes me suspiciously before letting out a soft sigh.

 “Just be careful, I don’t want to see you hurt by _that guy_.” And he’s patronizing me, acting like he’s my older brother. I snort rolling my eyes.

 “Josh, he’d not gonna do that! Just drop it.” But he doesn’t and I was starting to regret this ride.

 “He’s a douche, he just is. Guys like Kavinsky they only care about one thing and when they get what they want, they’re bored.” And my cheeks were scorched because this wasn’t the first time Josh insinuated sex between Peter and I.

 “Just trust me Lara Jean you don’t have much experience with guys.” And I’m wounded sinking down in my seat crossing my arms over my chest like a child.

 “How would _you_ know? And last time I checked you’re comparing Peter Kavinsky to John Ambrose McClaren and _he_ is the one who dumped me and hurt me. If you asked me John is more of _that guy_ than Peter.” And I knew how he would know me because he knows John Ambrose and they talked.

 “I know you, Lara Jean.” He quipped and I wanted to smack him, he’s got some nerve always flaunting John and my relationship in my face.

 “Not as well as you think.” I respond bitterly and the rest of the ride is quiet. Peter is nowhere to be found and I’m somewhat regretting not giving him a heads up but then the sinking feeling in my stomach reminds me that _he started this_.

 He caught up to me after class pulling me into an empty classroom and I yelp swatting his hand away.

 “Where were you this morning?” Oh, he’s pissed and I like it. He deserves this, to feel how angry and upset I did last night when I waited for him.

 “I got a ride from Josh.” I shrugged avoiding looking at him.

 “I waited in front of your house for twenty minutes!” I got a little rise in my chest seeing him this way, maybe it was because I knew exactly where he was last night.

 “Well I’m sorry.”

 “You shouldn’t have pulled that shit, if you were pissed you should have just called and said so.” _Ha_ , alright and let him know how much I really care? Absolutely not.

 “How about the _shit_ you pulled last night? I waited _two hours.”_ He looked amused so I just moved to brush past him but he grabbed my wrist spinning me back around and I was dizzy just feeling the warmth of his touch. I snatch my arm away but I’ve lost my nerve now. “So… Were you with Genevieve?”

 “She needed me.” I chuckled but it came out more of a choke as I waved my hands in the air hearing the bell toll but neither one of us moved. “If you’re just going to go running every time she calls I don’t see a point in this anymore. I don’t want you to go to her anymore, how do you think that makes me look to her?”

 And he softens the way he _always_ does when he talks about Gen, my heart lurches and I want to vomit. “I can’t not be there for Gen, don’t ask me to.” A small pause before he continues, “I don’t expect you to understand it. Gen and I we just get each other.”

 I nod because how many times is he going to forget John Ambrose and I had something so similar, maybe we didn’t have sex but he was there for me through so much. “Why does she even need you Peter? She has a new boyfriend.” He flinched but I didn’t back down because I was done being Genevieve’s placeholder. I wasn’t the reason he was getting over her, he choose me because it was easy for him not to like me letter or not. I was a ploy to make her jealous so she’d want him back and that realization made everything else start to make sense.

 “John Ambrose and I? We haven’t spoken in weeks so this isn’t working Peter. I’m done.” His face fell and he shook his head.

 “ _Whoa_ , no wait Covey I said I was sorry.” I scoff shaking my head.

 “When did you say that Peter?” It got silent and he nibble at his lip.

 “I’m sorry.” I want to believe him, _so bad_ but I just can’t so I offer the best smile I could muster even though my heart was breaking.

 “Why are we doing this Peter? Gen is _sufficiently_ jealous.”

 “I’m not doing this get to get her back.” I just stare up at him because he must think I’m stupid to believe that. His face is sad and I just can’t handle seeing him like this but how much more was I supposed to submit myself to just to be near him?

 “Did you at least study?” And he relaxes but shakes his head so I sign. “You can borrow my notes at lunch.” And that was it, I realized in that moment Peter Kavinsky _was_ immune to me but I would always susceptible to him.


	5. The Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean get's her first heartbreak and Halloween kinda sucks but Peter's Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, I really like this chapter and I hope you guys do too. I know the last chapter was kinda a weird in between filler of angst but this one is... Well more angst but I love Halloween, lol.
> 
> Also I'm a nerd and we're having a big D&D game today so tomorrow's chapter might be later in the day since I won't have a lot of time to write it today. I'll try my best!!

 Peter didn’t ask me to hang out after school. I was starting to believe he was slipping away and a sinking feeling sat within me for days, was I was going to lose everyone?

 I got a phone call the last week of October and I almost couldn’t believe it until I heard his voice on the other line.

 “Hey, Lara Jean.” I could have cried, his voice was so gentle I almost forgot how magnificent it was to me- how _calming_.

 “John Ambrose McClaren.” And he chuckled leaving me with a familiar warmth throughout my body.

 “What would you say about hanging out today? I know you’re with Kavinsky but-”

 “Yes,” I say not even letting him finish because if Peter was going to spend nearly everyday with Genevieve I was allowed to spend _one evening_ with John Ambrose. He told me he’d pick me up today around two.

 We hung up and I went back to going through Pinterest looking for Halloween costume ideas, which by the way _were incredibly sparse_ for Asian girls.

 An hour later Peter Kavinsky texted me: _Hey, diner this afternoon?_

For just the smallest of moments I debate canceling on John Ambrose but then I remind myself why we did all this to start with. He couldn’t have bothered to hang out with me for the past two weeks so it was time for me to do something for myself.

  _Can’t John is taking me somewhere._ I see bubbles forming and then they disappear for a few minutes before they come back and finally after what feelings like forever I get an answer.

  _Cool._

 I sink down in my bed staring at the screen for awhile. Why was it so easy for him to get a rise out of me? Grunting I pull myself out of bed and begin getting ready.

 I got dolled up pulling a coat on over my dress and waited downstairs my phone tight within my grasp, _I was nervous_. I haven’t seen John Ambrose since he dumped me and so much has happened I almost felt like a different person, for a moment I wondered if I even still liked him. I mean he was a _fantastic_ guy, truly perfect but Peter Kavinsky was… Well, he was Peter Kavinsky. Loud, obnoxious, charming Peter who captured your thoughts and invaded your mind.

 My phone _pinged_ and I all but ran out the house down to where John Ambrose was standing and _wow, he’s still so angelic_. He smiled widely and I bounced right into his arms wrapping mine around his neck like I’d done so many times before. He was warm, not as warm as Peter but he was still comforting.

 Pulling back I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face because being with him like this was _so_ familiar it almost burned. _Almost_.

 That was the first time I realized John Ambrose didn’t mean me feel as much as Peter did but I buried that feeling away as he opened the car door for me and I happily slid into the front seat.

 We went out to eat and I told him everything, well _not everything_ , but a lot of it. Me and Peter, my fights with Josh Sanderson- which he apologized on his behalf for, my insecurities about Genevieve, and how everything has felt so weird without Margot home. I even told him how much I missed his phone calls because you can’t spend two years with someone and suddenly think everything would go away. I missed knowing without fail John would call me and ask me about my day, how he’d always tell me I was beautiful and do whatever he could to lighten me.

 That was a big difference between both of them. I could equate John Ambrose to a swimming pool- everything was controlled and calm, the water only moved when _you_ made it do so. Peter was the ocean, just when I thought I caught my bearings here comes another wave and everything was just so _unpredictable_. You never know what comes next when it comes to Peter Kavinsky.

 So maybe Peter was right, I did understand how he felt because John and I? We got each other but it was different. He didn’t own me, I was free in my feelings but Peter was so wrapped up in Genevieve it made my blood boil. It wasn’t fair how he allowed himself to be so easily manipulated by her emotions.

 “You shouldn’t be anyone’s second best Lara Jean.” I flinched, it hurt to hear but it was true. I would always live in the shadow of Genevieve when it came to Peter because _they understood each other_. Peter was never in John’s shadow and even sitting before him in this _very romantic_ cozy diner I didn’t feel nearly as much as I did just hanging out with Peter at lunch.

 “I’m not second best,” I scoff but my voice is weak and I realize right this moment Peter was probably with Gen. _That_ burned.

 “You deserve someone who’s going to put you first, someone who realizes what they had…” He trailed off and realization hit me with a soft, ‘ _Oh,’_ John Ambrose brought me here to get me back.

 “Lara Jean I was wrong, I didn’t realize what I had.” I literally had vomit in my throat, I felt so sick. I frantically look around the table picking up the Cherry Choke and slurp it down pushing the vomit away.

 “I don’t want to say it took seeing you with Kavinsky to wake up but,” he trailed off when he noticed the look of pure unadulterated fear written across my face, “Lara Jean do you love him?” I choke.

 No, really I’m choking. I pound my hand on my chest shaking my head because _that’s ridiculous_. Absolutely not, no way. “No!” I choke out wiping the little bit of spit from the corner of my mouth ducking my head in apology as the other customers look over at me confused.

 The truth was John Ambrose McClaren was safe, he was the choice for me that made the most sense. If I ran away with him now he wouldn’t hurt me again, we’d fall back into everything like before. He’d always call me when he promised, there’d be no other girl I’d have to compare to, he’d always be on time when he said he would be, and he’d never drive me insane or get under my skin.

 I chuckled nervously before standing up from the booth and hurrying outside because I needed some air, _desperately_. I wrap myself in my jacket and this time John Ambrose did follow me, calling my name in the middle of a parking lot and I didn’t want him to.

 “Lara Jean do you even still want to be with me?” His voice is pained, I froze turning around to face him and for the first time in a long time I’m seeing emotion pouring from him and it’s heartbreaking.

 “I don’t know, John! I don’t- we haven’t spoken in weeks how am I supposed to know?” And I’m begging him to tell me, show me how I can forget Peter Kavinsky. He must read my mind because he crosses the distance between us and easily pulls me into a kiss. It’s open mouthed, desperate, and I could feel him pleading with me. _Pick me, Lara Jean_.

 This was probably the most passionate John Ambrose McClaren has ever gotten with me. His fingers dug into the back of my jacket as he pulled me closer and I kissed him back. I tried to match his passion and there’s a moment, a split second where I thought maybe I could pick him. Because he was laying everything on the table for me, all the cards were in my hand and I had everything I needed to make the next move. He could make me happy, _so happy._

 But I couldn’t- _I can’t._ I pull back shaking my head and there’s tears. “John…” I croaked and his face falls, he’s so broken and I wanted to blame Peter Kavinsky for doing this to John but it was all me. Me and my stupid feelings for him.

 “You’re so perfect, it’s like I dreamed you into reality and of everyone you make the most sense. I could spend the rest of my life with you and I would _know_ that you would never hurt me, if I had a choice of who to love you’re the one I would pick.” My tone is wet as I brush at the tears falling down my cheeks.

 “But?” His tone is defeated and he takes a step away from me like I burned him and I’m realizing today I was breaking his heart and the little piece of my heart that belonged to him was breaking too.

 “I think,” I exhale a long wavering breath, “I think it’s Peter.” There’s silence as he goes over everything.

 “Goddamn it, Kavinsky.” He sighed his eyes meeting mine with a little glimmer of hope, “You’re right Lara Jean maybe,” he pauses rubbing his hand over the back of his neck a chill of wind waving through the parking lot, “maybe one day then? You’ll keep the door open for me?”

 And I sob because I think John Ambrose loved me, I think he always did and he was afraid to say it but right now he didn’t have to because it was written all over his face. “I’ll never close the door on you, John Ambrose McClaren.”

 He smiled, it didn’t touch his eyes but both of us were so broken there wasn’t a way we could really truly smile. John pulls me into another hug and I grip at the back of his shirt so tightly I’m scared of letting go because once I do it’s really going to be over. “I love you, Lara Jean. You know that right?”

 Oh John, why couldn’t you have said that a month ago? I tuck my face in the crook of his neck and breath him in one more time before he pulls away brushing the hair from my face. “Can I take you home?” I think about it but I just shake my head.

 “No thanks, I think I’m gonna hang out awhile,” I nod intertwining my fingers around one another, “maybe get myself a slice of pie.” I joke with a breathy laugh.

 I watched him drive off and there was a little bow wrapped up around the book of Lara Jean Song-Covey and John Ambrose McClaren. I know I said I’d always leave the door open for him but we both know the odds of us ever coming together again were so slim. He would always be my first boyfriend, my first relationship, the first guy to take me out on a date and buy me flowers.

 John Ambrose McClaren wasn’t my first love, not in the way I was for him _but_ he would always be my first heartbreak.

* * *

 We were sitting in Chemistry when I wrote Peter a note, the whole weekend it was as if Peter had gone ghost on me so I never told him about John Ambrose, not like I really had a choice but in this moment I wanted to.

  _It worked, John Ambrose was jealous_.

 I tapped on his shoulder and slid the note into his hand, when he reads it he sits up straighter and immediately writes back dropping the note onto my desk.

  _Be more specific._

_He kissed me._

When Peter stiffens I get this guilty feeling of pride stir within me but he doesn’t write back and I get a little disappointing. When the bell rings is hands finds mine and he’s pulling me outside of the class to the nearest lockers his face hard and unreadable.

 “What the hell? How did this even happen?”

 “He took me out on Saturday, you knew this.”

 “And he just kissed you? What the hell is he thinking? Damn _Sundance Kid_ thinking he can kiss _my girlfriend_? Fucking ridiculous.” Peter was livid and I almost regret telling him but I can’t deny that it felt nice to know John kissing me got under his skin. “I’m gonna say something to him.” That feeling was immediately replaced with regret for telling him.

 “What? _No,_ Peter you’d better not say anything to him. I mean it.” There was a surprising amount of finality in my tone and I knew it was because if Peter talked to John Ambrose he’d realize _he_ was the reason John kissed me. That there was a chance I loved Peter and that was terrifying.

 He’s watching me closely his eyes staring deeply into mine before whispering, his voice a bit softer. “Did you kiss him back?”

 “What does it matter?”

 “Are you mad at me for something?” He asks looking taken aback. If I actually had nerve I would tell him everything I was mad at him for, more importantly for making me like him this much.

 “No.” I knew for sure it was time to break up with Peter Kavinsky, _fake_ break up. I didn’t want to be fake anymore and if things were going to happen I had to make it clear that whatever deal we had was over. All bets were off. I needed to know that he would pick me over Genevieve, no matter how stupid that sounded.

 After school let’s out I look for Peter finding him in the weight room and every fiber of my being was telling me to walk away before he notices me. There was still time to change my mind but then he sees me and gives me one of those really wide brilliant Peter Kavsinky smiles and my heart melts.

 “Are you here to spot me?” He teases wiping his face off with the bottom of his t-shirt, _Jesus Peter Kavinksy._ My eyes widen taking in the length of his torso a sheen of sweat coating his abs. When he shirt flutters back down into his lap I meet his eyes and I know he caught me because he was smirking.

 “Uh?” I’m losing my nerve, with every second passing by I feel like I can’t even think and the room is hot and stuffy. He stands up and crosses the room to me my jaw slack as I stare up at him with wide eyes.

 “Yes, Covey?” I swallow back my tongue wetting my lips as I back myself over towards a wall and he following me to it. _Did this room just get smaller?_ I think but I can’t take my eyes off him. “I just wanted to uh, g-go over…” I trail off as he begins to lean down my eyes lid then I hear a loud smack as the door hits the wall.

 Squealing I push Peter back and he stumbles catching himself on one of the bench presses my cheeks bright red with heat.

 “ _Largie_! What are you doing here? Come to get SWOL?” Gabe asks walking over to us and my eyes are bouncing between the both of them and Peter so easily shifts giving giving Gabe a playful slap on the arm.

 I wasn’t imagining that was I? Peter Kavinsky wasn’t about to kiss me, _no_ that’s crazy. That couldn’t have happened.

 I bounce out of the room and realize that’s the _second time_ I’ve tried to end things with Peter and it hasn’t worked. Why was it so hard to say no to him? Is this what its like to be in love with somebody?

* * *

 I’d debated going back and fourth on what I wanted to be and after hearing from Kitty that Josh was going as _Harry Potter_ I immediately scrapped my Cho Chang idea. There was going to be no accidental Halloween matching going on.

 I hadn’t told Peter but I decided to give in and go with his idea to be the Mary Jane Watson to his Peter Parker. I had enough time to pull out all the stops for the costume just so I could have _one year_ where someone didn’t mistake me for an anime character.

 With the help of Kitty I went to beauty supply store and got myself the nicest red wig I could find with that fiery red signature look. We ordered some blue contacts and after much debate on the outfit we went with a pair of ripped jeans and a a white t-shirt with Spider-Man’s face in a heart. It was the first picture that came up when I googled _Mary Jane Watson_ so I was praying everyone would get it.

 That morning I got everything put together and I _really_ wish I would have known how tight the shirt was. It was almost like a second skin and the top dipped down a little lower than I would have wanted but it was too late now.

 Looking in the mirror I didn’t even recognize myself and to be honest I felt incredibly ridiculous. I kept tugging at the bottom of the shirt but when it covered the small sliver of skin just above my jeans it revealed _too much_ of my breast. It was a lost cause but Kitty helped me curl the wig into loose voluminous waves, a _micro thin_ line of eyeliner, loads of mascara with dainty false lashes, she dotted freckles all along my cheeks, and we added a nice layer of peachy nude gloss to top off the look.

 “You’re lucky Daddy’s not here.” Kitty teased as she bounced out the door to catch the bus. She was dressed as a ninja and she wanted to show everyone so she denied Peter’s offer to drive her to school. I blushed because I know there was no way he’d approve of this costume but for once I felt just a little confident.

 Peter was late to pick me up and the breeze was chilly against my arms, I’d debated going back inside to grab a jacket ruining the whole _look_ but Peter pulled up and I quickly ran over to the car slipping in.

 “ _Whoa_ ,” I looked over at him nibbling at my bottom lip as he took in my costume a grin forming over his lips, “you look hot.” But he sounds surprised and that puts a damper on my mood. “Who are you? An anime character?” I gawk at him but the corner of his lip twitches up and I smack him on the arm as he erupts into laughter.

 “ _Peter_! That’s not funny.” I pout and he easily grabs my hand from smacking him again swiping his thumb along the inside of my wrist and suddenly I’m not mad anymore. My face feels like it’s on fire but I’m not mad.

 “Where’s your costume?” I ask and he spouts of about how it’ll be more climactic if his group reveals their costume during the assembly. _Great_ , without Peter to finish the other half of this couples costume I was suddenly feeling like people wouldn’t get it despite the giant Spider-Man on my chest.

 When we arrive at school Peter slides his arm around me and we waltz in all eyes on us as we walk down the hallway. My hands are pressing to the thin strip of skin showing just above my pants and once we reach Peter’s locker he pops it open handing me a jacket.

 I immediately reach for it but he pulls it back catching my hand, “Don’t zip it up all the way, _promise_?” His fingers dancing along mine are so distracting but I nod and he passes it over. I slid into the warmth, the jacket much too long and once I get it zipped just above my navel I feel myself relax but as soon as I turn and see Gen my heart stops.

 “What the… _Frick_.” Peter stares at me curious for a moment before turning over his shoulder where Genevieve was and to be honest I wouldn’t have known who she was if I didn’t spend the past week of my life googling Mary Jane Watson.

 “Lara Jean _I swear_.” I hold up my hand because he’s _not_ about to tell me she didn’t know who the hell he was going as.

 “Save it, Peter. I can’t believe I went through all this trouble.” I scoff and out of the corner of my eye I can see Genevieve her blonde hair pushed back with a headband suddenly sporting bangs a tight black shirt and a purple skirt layered with a tan fitted trench coat and calf high boots. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it but she was carrying a Spider-Man umbrella and I felt sick to my stomach.

 “ _Lara Jean_ ,” He called after me and all I could hear was the way Genevieve was snickering as I storm off.

 The contacts came out first, I put them back in their container because my eyes were itching from crying. I kept the wig on for effect though because I knew the moment I took it off I’d get questions and I wasn’t really in the mood for it.

 During the judging I sat with Chris in the balcony of the theater and when Peter’s group comes out as the Avengers and Spider-Man I realized the amount of effort he put into the costume. It was super authentic and I forgave him for being five minutes late to picking me up.

 Chris and I cheer when his group wins but then Genevieve goes on stage, she’d changed into a full on Spider-Gwen costume and I feel vomit in my throat. It was skin tight and the auditorium goes wild and she wins for best Junior costume. I sneak a look at Peter and he’s whistling and stomping his feet with all his friends, my heart sinks.

 I yank the wig from my head shoving it into my bag as I collect my stuff heading to my locker. I use the mirror in my locker to pull the wig cap off and rub at the glue along my forehead until it’s mostly pealed off. I’m pulling my Chem book out when Peter slides over back against the locker beside mine.

 “Hey.” He mutters through his mask and I do my best not to even pay him any attention.

 “Hey.” I return my voice flat so he just stands there until I close my locker door finally forced to face him. “Congratulations on winning group costume.”

 “That’s it?” Peter asks and I could hear him huff out a breath but for the life of me I _can’t_ take him seriously like this. “And what happened to your wig?”

 I snort rolling my eyes, “I think you and Gen got the couple costume thing pretty down pat, don’t need an anime character by your side to boost your ego.”

 Peter pushes his mask up, “God, Covey I’m serious I had no idea she was going to do that.”

 “Did you tell her what your costume was?” And he was silent so I go on, “People notice this type of thing Peter.” _I noticed._

 I could see him thinking, as if he were trying to come up with something to say so I beat him to the punch. “Don’t even tell me it was a coincidence or that she just _happened_ to do it. You know exactly why.”

 “I’d pick having you as my Mary Jane over her Gwen Stacy any day.” I study his face for a moment but his tone is serious and the way his eyes were staring down at me made my insides tickle.

 Quick as a cat I pull down his mask placing my hand over his mouth. “Stop teasing me Kavinsky.” And he’s muttering against my hand so I comically raise my eyebrow pressing up on my toes leaning in as if I’m trying to hear him. “What now? I’m sorry I just can’t hear you Peter _Parker_.”

 Just then Peter reaches forward pressing me against the lockers as he begins tickling over my sides. I drop my hand head thrown back in a full guffaw but once I break free from his grasp I’m darting down the halls running around people dodging his invisible webs as he pounces after me. He chances me all the way to Chemistry, I’m so breathless but as he turns to me shooting another _web_ I erupt into giggles using the sleeve of his jacket to muffle the sound.

 “Settle down.” Mr. Meyers glares and I sink down pressing the jacket further against my lips and all I can smell is Peter. The soft scent of his cologne mixing with the faint smell of grass and I get so lost in the smell I almost miss the note he slipped onto my desk halfway through class.

  _Peter Parker ends up with Mary Jane anyways.  
_

I’m so thankful that his back was to me because I felt like my whole body was radiating redness. There are little webs drawn over the corners of the note and I run my fingers along the words before placing it in one of my notebooks careful not to crease it. I want to keep it so when all of this ends I’ll have something to remind me what it felt like to be Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend. Even if this is all pretend.


	6. The Bonanza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter's soft for Lara Jean and the Christmas Cookie Bonanza!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, this is kinda a filler chapter as we make our way to the Ski Trip! I'm giving some sweet Peter development because it's time for him to get his head out of his booty, lol. 
> 
> Thank you guys for being so amazing and reading this! The plan is to get to the end of the first book events and I have an idea of how to go past that HOWEVER I'll only do it if y'all are interested. Let me know!

 Peter drove me home that day and despite having to go to lacrosse conditioning he spent a good chunk of the afternoon hanging out with us playing with Kitty. He would chase her about the living room shooting webs at her as she’d dodge and deflect them with her _ninja skills_.

 The way Kitty looks at him so adoringly, like he’s her hero makes me so happy and worried at the same time. She pouts when he goes to leave but he promises to take her on an ice cream date and she lights up in a way I haven’t seen in awhile.

 “What happens when we break up?” I ask as we’re walking out to his car and he curiously looks over at me, my cheeks turning pink, “I mean fake break-up.” I correct but he’s still looking at me confused so with a huff I elaborate. “It’s going to crush Kitty, she already lost Josh and John Ambrose,” I could see him flinch at the sound of John’s name but I continued. “I don’t want her to get hurt again, Peter.”

 He’s shaking his head, “Are you kidding me? I’m filing for joint custody.” It was strange because we’d known Josh for so long so when he and Margot broke up I _expected_ him to still come around if not for me but for Kitty but he didn’t. But standing here looking up at Peter and hearing how confident he was about his plan to stay in Kitty’s life even after it all ends I believe him. He was so patient and sweet going along with all her ramblings and playing with her.

 Peter shifts to get into his car but I grab his wrist making my move before I could change my own mind. I press my hands on his shoulders and rise up on my toes pressing my lips half on his and half onto the skin beside his mouth. Peter jerks back in surprise and my cheeks heat as I drop my hands to my side rocking back into my heels.

 “Wha-? What was that for?”

 “For being so nice to Kitty.” There’s a moment of silence as he stares down at me and I could tell that he’s thinking hard about something so I just laugh and it seems to snap him out of whatever trance he’s in. “See you later, Peter.” I wave before running back into the house not wanting to give him a chance to say anything or ruin the moment.

 That night I decide to make Kitty and my lunch just like Mommy used to. I dice up some carrots and an onion and fry them with a little sesame oil and vinegar before adding sushi rice. When it all cooked I scoop rice into tofu skins to make rice balls in these little purses. I find some old bento boxes at the back of the cupboard to put them in and a little part of me hopes that Kitty will enjoy them as much as I did when Mommy used to make them.

 At lunch the next day they’re a big hit, all of Peter’s friends are swiping them up and halfway through lunch there’s only one left and I’ve only had three. I could see the way Peter’s eyeing the last one but he won’t reach for it so I swipe it up rolling my eyes.

 “Say ‘ _ah‘.”_ I teased and he just shakes his head.

 “Nope, you should have it, you’ve barely had any.” And that’s true but it doesn’t take away from the fact that it made me feel good knowing how much Peter liked them. So I try again giving it a little wiggle but he’s still refusing. “Nope, I won’t give you the satisfaction of being right.”

 So Gabe leans across the table a wide grin over his lips, “Damn Kavinsky, I’m jealous I wish I had a girl to feed me lunch. Say, LJ if he won’t have it, I will.” He opens his mouth and I just eye Peter turning slowly towards Gabe but Peter shoves him to the side.

 “Step off, it’s mine.” He places his hand over mine easily pulling my hand to his lips before taking it from my fingers and they brush his lips as I pull them back. “ _Yum, yum_.” He teased and my cheeks are scorched as I move to clean up the bento box sliding it into my bag to distract myself.

 The more time I spend with him I found it harder for me to find the line between what was fake and what was genuinely real. Peter must notice because he quirks a smooth eyebrow at me questioningly as if he was asking ‘ _what’s wrong’_. 

 “Maybe I’m just hungry because you _heathens_ devoured my lunch.” I joke giving him a little nudge but he immediately stands up.

 “I’m gonna get you a sandwich.” I quickly grasp at his wrist pulling him back down shaking my head. “Peter I was joking, I’m not hungry.” And he stares at me for a good second as if he really didn’t believe me and maybe I was a little hungry but I wasn’t about to let Peter buy me a sandwich.

 “Well, if you’re still hungry after school we could get something to eat at the diner?” I nibbled over my lip a soft wrinkle pressing between my brows and Peter’s hand comes up to soothe over the skin with his thumb. I could have died right there. “What?” He asks softly.

 “Well, my car is fixed so I won’t be needing rides for me and Kitty anymore…” I trail off and he just nods taking it in for a moment.

 “I know you don’t like driving so I could still give you rides if you want.”

 “I won’t get any better if I don’t practice,” I begin and the corner of his lip tilts down ever so slightly so I add, “and you know you miss those extra five minutes of sleep.” I tease and he’s smile again giving me a little tap to the jaw with his finger.

 “True.” He grins before turning to his friends talking about lacrosse conditioning his hand soothing over my thigh warm even through the fabric of my jeans.

* * *

 Peter and I have been hanging out everyday after school for the past two weeks, it was a strange turn of events but I wasn’t complaining. We’d taken to spending our time varying between the diner and Starbucks, pretty much anywhere we could get some sweet snacks and a comfy atmosphere. We mostly just studied and I was happy that we didn’t do it at either of our houses because the chill increasing in the air was just another reminder that an end was near, I just didn’t know when.

 “Did you sign up for the ski trip?” I snort cocking an eyebrow at him from across the table but his face was serious.

 “Oh, _no_ of course not Peter. I’m a terrible skier.”

 “You don’t have to ski you could snowboard, it’s what I do.” Was he trying to get me to actually go? We were supposed to be over before it even happened.

 “Peter, could you _actually_ picture me snowboarding?”

 “I’ll teach you, c’mon Covey it’ll be fun.” He presses as he leans across the table scooping my hand into the warmth of his own and my insides melt. “Please, please, _please_ Lara Jean it’ll be fun I _promise_.”

 I want to say no but the fact that he was even asking me to do this knowing it was over winter break ignited something within me. Peter was planning to keep this going and I was relieved because I wasn’t ready for any of this to end, even if I it was all pretending.

 “If you don’t want to go snowboarding there’s a lodge,” He begins and I think he could tell I was on edge about going because he was laying it on pretty thick, “there’s a big stone fireplace and comfy chairs you could sit in and read for hours. And get this they have _the best_ hot chocolate, I’ll even buy you one.”

 “Alright,” I say with a little chuckle because my heart was beating so crazily within my chest, Peter wanted me to go and that was reason enough for me. “The hot chocolate better be as good as you say.”

 “I’ll buy you as many as you want.” He promises swirling his thumb along the skin at the back of my hand and I’m lost in him, in the warmth of his touch and the way his eyes lit up when I said I’d go.

 He doesn’t move his hand from mine until we pack up to head home and I took that victory but as we left to head to the car and I saw Emily out of the corner of my eye I couldn’t help but wonder if that was more for Genevieve that it was for me.

 When he drops me off I get to the door Peter’s car already gone down the road when I realize my bag was missing. The lights are all out and that’s when I remember Kitty’s got a parent-teacher conference tonight. I hug my sweater around my body tightly when I remember Josh has a spare key.

 Despite the not good sitting between us I make my way over to his house knocking on the door _praying_ he was home. When he answered he didn’t look as guarded as he did before, he almost looked sad. “Where’s Kavinksy?”

 “He went home but I left my bag in his car.” He signs and I feel like he might actually leave me stranded because he disappears into his house leaving me on his porch alone. I huff out a breath, a soft cloud lingering in front of me as I go to turn but he returns dangling a key between his fingers and I feel relief flood over me.

 “Thank you so much, Joshy.” His expression turns pained as I use my old nickname for him and I immediately regret it when he speaks.

 “This thing with Kavinsky…”

 “Josh _please_ not again.” I groan grasping the key tightly within my fist because I didn’t need another person telling me what they think is best.

 “He’s a player, Lara Jean, he’s not good enough for you. You’re innocent, not like other girls and you can’t trust him, he’s just like every other guy.”

 “Josh, I appreciate you being worried for me but I know him a lot better than you do. He’s not going to hurt me.” I promise.

 He softens just a bit, “I’m just looking out for you.” And I appreciate that but he clears his throat before continuing, “John wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

 I flinch back like I’d been slapped my jaw going slack and in that moment headlights are beaming down the street and it’s Peter’s car. I hand Josh the keys back and run over to Peter calling out a quick, “Thank’s Joshy!” Even though I was _not_ thankful for the conversation we’d just had.

 “You forgot your bag.” He says but his eyes were set on Josh’s house where he’d already disappeared into.

 “I know,” I gasp out my lungs stinging from the cold air, “thanks for coming back.”

 “What did he say to you? You look upset.” Did I? I cautioned a glace in Peter’s side mirror and I thought I looked fine so I turn to him confused. “Not now dork as I pulled up.” And I just mutter a soft ‘ _oh_.’

 “He was telling me to be careful…” I trail off fiddling with the bag in my grasp, “Something about John Ambrose not wanting me to get hurt.”

 I don’t know what compelled Peter to do what he did but he reached out the window fingers sliding through my hair to grasp the back of my head leaning me down to press his lips to my own. It was opened mouthed and sure as if he were trying to tell me something but I was so stunned I couldn’t understand.

 When he pulls away he’s smiling and I feel like my whole body is wired. “Have him report that back to Sundance Kid.” He remarks and I don’t even care that he did that because he thought it would make John Ambrose jealous because Peter Kavinsky just kissed me and I really liked it. I’m pretty sure I really, _really_ like him.

* * *

 I call Margot for the first time in awhile, mostly I’d been Saturday night ‘digital dinner’ where we’d all sit down and Skype her telling her about her weeks but I needed her advice.

 “You’re going on the ski trip? You don’t even like to ski, remember when you did the splits and couldn’t get back up?” She sounded surprise and the look on her face was pinched up. Was I doing the wrong thing?

 “I’m going to try snowboarding.” I level and she just stares at me for a moment as if she were trying to catch me in a lie. “And they have a great lounge with really good hot chocolate apparently.” I add my voice falling small.

 Margot signs but paints a semi-convincing smile over her lips. “Just… Be careful.” I guess that was her blessing so when we get off I go downstairs and show Daddy the permission slip and he’s _ecstatic_.

 “Oh sweetie, this is great! Did Peter end up convincing you?” He signed the paper and turns to me smiling like I hadn’t seen him do in forever. “Maybe we can all go to the Wintergreen over Christmas, Peter too.”

 That’s when I realize I’m a lot more like Daddy than I’d even realized. He lives in a sort of fantasy word and we’re both so dreamy-eyed about things. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell him that Peter and I aren’t real. He likes Peter so much and I’m starting to think he likes him more than he ever did John Ambrose.

 I really wished we’d never gotten our families involved.

 The next day Chris comes over and she begins to go on about the Ski Trip and how it’s pretty much a giant ‘ _Booty Call’_ and now I’m terrified.

 “Chaperones go to bed early so everyone just sneaks out and has sex, the year I went people were skinny dipping in the hot tub.” She stated matter-of-factually and I could feel the color draining from my face, I felt sick to my stomach.

 “There’s a hot tub?” I’m _not_ bringing a bathing suit, there’s no way I’m going in that thing. But it’s not like I actually have anything to worry about because Peter wouldn’t try anything on me. For a moment I think Peter might have me sneak into his room so people _thought_ we were doing something and I really don’t want to get in trouble on a school trip.

 “Chris _please_ come with me.” I beg grabbing her hands and putting on my best pouting face.

 “I don’t do school trips, LJ you know that.” She snickers slipping her hands from mine going back to filing at her nails.

 “But I need you! Please!” She wasn’t moved by me and I was beginning to give up hope that she’d be saving me from the disaster to come.

 “Lara Jean, Peter isn’t going to pressure you into sex he’s a decent guy despite him and Gen being in constant heat for each other when they were dating.” She gagged and I wanted to as well. Of course Peter and Gen had sex all the time, I was stupid to believe it wasn’t some other way. Did that mean people thought we were having sex? I blushed.

 “You know Genevieve is would be _pissed_ if you came! She’s organizing the _entire thing,_ it’s her trip and she won’t want you there.” I blurt out and I could tell by the way she stops filing for a moment that I had her hooked.

 Chris turned to me amusement in her eyes, “You really know how to play me.” And I won, thank God.

* * *

 It’s officially the first of December and that marks the beginning of the _Christmas Cookie Bonanza!_ We pull out all of Mommy’s old cookbooks and magazines spreading them all along the floor and turn on the _Charlie Brown Christmas_ album.

 Kitty is laying along the couch with a list before her as she continues to erase and move cookies across the page making sure to keep track of the ones we’re for sure doing, possibly doing, and a few wild cards we’re willing to try.

 Peter had stopped by so we could study Chemistry but we’d all gotten so lost in the cookies it’s been hours and he’s so cozy propped up against the couch I don’t think he’s planning on leaving anytime soon.

 He catches me looking over at him so with a smile he asks, “So what are the given ones?”

 “Well,” I begin pulling at Mommy’s old recipes, “Daddy loves pecan crescents, snickerdoodles are for Kitty, molasses for Margot, cowgirl cookies are mine and sugar cookies are a given.” I don’t tell him that Josh loved white-chocolate cranberry and John Ambrose was a sucker for peppermint butter. I guess this year we were going to be mixing things up.

 “Daddy _please_ no more turkey sandwiches.” I whine as I look up and see him packing our lunches for tomorrow in the kitchen.

 “I’m tired of leftovers too but I can’t just throw it out.” He calls back and Kitty and I exchange a look because that’s _exactly_ what he should do.

 “If we had a dog we wouldn’t have to worry about wasting food.” She sing-songs and her and Peter get into a conversation about what kind of dog she wants and which breads would make the best seeing eye dogs. Not that it’s very relevant but she’s been doing quite a bit of research as Christmas closes in.

 “What do you think about pb&j crumble cookies?” I ask passing Kitty a magazine and she examines it before putting it under the maybe category.

 “What about these?” Peter asks pushing a cookbook into a my lap and I turn to him my nose crinkled in disgust.

 “Fruitcake cookies? You’re _kidding_ right? That’s disgusting.” I gag handing it back to him but he was giving me those puppy eyes that I almost couldn’t resist.

 “Fruitcake can be really good when done right, Lara Jean.” Peter defended, “My great-aunt Trish used to put ice cream on top of hers and it was awesome.”

 “Ice cream on anything makes it good.” Kitty interjected in a matter-of-factually tone.

 “Can’t argue with that, Lara Jean.” He teases and we share a smile.

 There a knock at the front door and Kitty bounces off the couch towards it before anyone else could react.

 Josh Sanderson is standing at my front door and I have _no idea_ why he’s here.

 “Josh!” She squeals and Peter’s head jerks up and we both know he’s here for Kitty but it doesn’t make the situation any easier.

 He comes to the living room and Kitty’s hanging off him like a monkey, “Hey.” He says and if I didn’t know him well I wouldn’t have caught the way he looked over at Peter and the disappointment in his tone when he realized he was here.

 “What’s up man? Have a seat.” Peter says and I have to stop myself from gawking because he was being as friendly as ever sliding across the floor towards me our thighs against one another.

 Daddy was as happy as ever to see Josh, even offered him a turkey sandwich which to my surprise he happily accepted. I gagged a bit watching him bite into it, I was so over turkey.

 “Christmas Cookie Bonanza?” Josh asks between bites and I nod trying to busy myself with going through another magazine. “You’re making my favorite, right?” I turn to face him and he’s got this puppy look going on and I can’t help but laugh because that’s _not_ like him.

 With him sitting here in our living room like old times I wonder if we could ever fix our friendship. If he could go back to how it was before he formed some crazy loyalty to John Ambrose and would be happy for me moving on. Maybe once Peter and I are over I could sit down with Josh and we’d talk it out like old times.

 “What’s your favorite? Because the list is _pretty set_.” Peter asks and there’s a smidgen of a tone in his voice that I feel like no one else but Josh and I pick up.

 “I’m pretty sure it’s already on the list.” Josh says and I couldn’t quite place the tone of their conversation but I was happy Kitty was going about doodling on the list and Daddy was in the kitchen cleaning up.

 “Read the list, Katherine.” Peter says reaching over to tickle at Kitty’s foot and she giggles before kicking his hand away so she can stand up grandly speaking.

 “M&M cookies are a yes, chocolate chip and toffee are a maybe, pb&j crumble cookies are a maybe, fruitcake cookies are a _no-”_

 _“_ Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. I’m part of this council too,” Peter objects, “you guys just turned down my cookies without thinking!”

 “They’re _gross_ Peter.” I whine and he nudges me giving me a pout and I couldn’t help myself from reaching over and pinching at his lip. 

 “Sorry but you just don’t have the votes, Kitty and I both say no so the odds are _not_ in your favor.” I teased before Daddy pops his head in telling us that he’s siding with Peter on this one and suddenly has an affinity for fruitcake cookies.

 “ _Thank you_ , Dr. Covey,” Peter smugly says putting his arm around me to tuck me into his side and I’m not minding fruitcake cookies as much anymore.

 “Suck up.” I tease giving his side a poke before turning back to the cook books allowing myself to fall into Peter’s side comfortably. I caution a glace at Josh and he’s staring at up with a strange expression, almost like he was left out and I can remember last year. Margot and Josh were cuddling on the couch reading over books while John Ambrose, Kitty, and I argued about Spiced Mexican Wedding cookies.

 “The list is still in progress, we’ll consider your white-chocolate cranberry cookies.” I say this not for me but because if Margot was here she would do it.

 “I appreciate it, Christmas isn’t Christmas without your cookies.” I make a mental note to sit down with Josh before Margot get’s home. We need to fix things, it’s just not Christmas without Josh, as crazy as that sounds.

 We go over about a dozen and a half more cookies before Kitty loses her interest and goes upstairs and Josh leaves. I’m cleaning up the mess and Peter’s sprawled over the couch watching me. Every time I think he’s going to leave he doesn’t and I’m actually happy he’s choosing to linger.

 “Remember Halloween when you were really upset because Gen dressed up as Gwen Stacy?” I freeze turning to look at him with a quirked eyebrow.

 “Uh, yeah what’s the point?” I don’t get why he brought that up, we were having a good day and that was just trudging up bad feelings.

 “I didn’t tell her who I was going to be, I know you think I did but you and the guys were the only one who knew.” I stare at him for a long moment and his face is so open, the way he was looking at me was so serious. “I don’t know if she even knew, I honestly think it was a coincidence.”

 I snort grabbing the pillow from beneath his head before tossing it onto the recliner. “I bet you a million dollars she asked Gabe who you were going as.” I said trying to dismiss the conversion.

 “Oh yeah?” He asks holding his hand out and I roll my eyes setting the stack of magazines onto the coffee table before sliding my hand into his. He pulls me onto the couch next to him and our legs are touching. There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes and I could feel his breath along my cheeks, and I think he’s going to kiss me. Peter’s hand comes up to brush the hair along my cheek and it’s like he staring right through me, no one has ever looked at me the way he’s looking at me right now. I close my eyes loving how his fingers feel brushing through my hair and I could feel his nose tip against mine. All I have to do is tilt my fact up and I know his lips were right there but then we could hear Kitty’s feet barreling down the stairs causing us the jolt apart.

 The moments over and Kitty’s jumping on top of Peter wrestling with him knocking me off the couch, I could be mad at Kitty but they way Peter just picks her up over his shoulder and spins her around making her laugh until she’s breathless warms my heart. I know for sure now that Peter would never ditch Kitty, for such a little heathen she’s quite good at worming her way into your heart.


	7. The Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean and Josh make up and Peter's a jealous mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing I love more than a jealous Peter Kavinsky realizing his feelings and being stupid. I hope you guys enjoy my little twist on this chapter. 
> 
> NEXT CHAPTER IS THE SKI TRIP WOOOOOP, I'm so excite.

 I knew if I was going to talk to Josh I’d have to do it when Peter wasn’t around, actually I’d have to do it when nobody was around. Despite how easy it sounded to get Josh alone considering we were next door neighbors it was the holiday season so Kitty was always home and so was Daddy.

 “The Valentines baby boom is over, I can finally relax and spend some time with my favorite girls.”

 “We’re the only girls in your life, Daddy.” Kitty remarks but still keeps her head on Daddy’s shoulder as they watch tv.

 “Way hash, Kitty.”

 “It’s true, Lara Jean. I can’t remember the last time I saw Daddy go on a date.” And it’s true, even Korean Grandma mentioned it at Thanksgiving but Daddy just sat between us quietly almost like he was trying to ignore the whole conversation.

 “Daddy doesn’t need to go on dates.” The moment I say it I realize how dumb I was to insinuate that Daddy didn’t need someone. Kitty just looks at me dumbfounded and I could feel my shoulders drop.

 “Lara Jean’s right, Kitty I don’t need to go on dates I’m happy just as we are.” But we’re all changing, I wanted to say. What happens in two years when I leave for college and Kitty get’s older? I made a mental note to speak with Kitty later because she had that glint in her eyes like she had some master plan.

 After everyone went to bed I lay in bed staring at my phone, Peter texted me but I haven’t responded because I was trying to think of how I could talk with Josh. It finally hits me and I send the message before I could lose the courage to do so.

  _You, me, and the diner like old times._

And even though Margot and John Ambrose would’t be there like the old times I thought maybe it could be like new times. Change could be good, right?

  _Okay, but you’re paying_.

 I chuckle to myself rolling my eyes setting the phone on my side table before heading to bed completely forgetting about the text Peter sent.

 The next day I’m sitting across from Josh in the booth by the jukebox and I hold out my hand wiggling my fingers for some quarters I know he brought. “Cough ‘em up Sanderson.” And he reaches in his pocket dropping some quarters into my palm making it really feel like old times.

 The server comes over and I pick up the menu as if I haven’t memorized everything on it, Josh is looking at me with an amused expression because he knows exactly what we’re going to order.

 “A, uhm…” I scan the menu and realize nothing sounds as good as what we always used to get, “Grilled cheese and a black cherry soda.” I blush because it’s painfully obvious that change and me? We’re not exactly friends.

 There’s a moment of silence and it’s a bit awkward so I blurt out, “How are you and Margot?” And just as I speak he countered with, “How are things with Kavinsky?” And whatever easiness was still at the table fade when Josh hears Margot’s name.

 “We chat online sometimes, I think maybe she’s homesick?” And I give him a peculiar look because I’d just spoke to Margot last night and she didn’t seem so at all.

 “Huh, that’s weird she seemed like same old Margot when we spoke. She was telling me about Raisin Weekend, something about drinking and Latin, I guess it’s Scottish but it makes me really want to go to Saint Andrews.” Josh eyes me for a moment and I couldn’t read his expression.

 “Would you do that?” His voice was soft, a little sad actually, “Go somewhere far away like Margot?”

 I think about it and realize that’s not really me, I sigh. “No, probably not. I’m not as brave as Margot, I’d probably love to visit but it’s not really something I’d do.”

 Clearing his throat I quirk a brow at him, “So wait, how are things with you and Kavinsky then?” I open my mouth to speak, spew off some lie about how amazing things are but the server comes dropping off all our food and he’s offering me his milkshake. “First sip?”

 Eagerly I nod leaning forward taking a nice long sip before sitting back with a satisfying, “ _Ahhh.”_

 _“_ Hey, that was quite the sip, why didn’t you get your own.” He huffs looking down at his milkshake feigning sadness.

 “Because I knew you’d share.” I break off a piece of my grilled cheese and dip it into his tomato soup taking a bite before it get’s too soggy.

 “So you were saying?” And I’m confused looking over at him with a quirked eyebrow, “You were about to tell me how things were with Kavinksy…” He trails off picking at his fries and I feel something in the pit of my stomach. How much longer can I lie to everyone I care about? I wonder if he’s going to report this back to John Ambrose.

 “Things are good, he’s really sweet to me.” And that wasn’t a lie but then Josh snorts and I’m actually offended. I don’t get why he thinks Peter is so bad, sure he’s not as squeaky clean as John Ambrose was but that shouldn’t matter.

 “He’s not what you think, Josh. People are so quick to judge him because of lacrosse but he’s different.” Sure he’s cocky and obnoxious at times and he needs a lot of attention but he’s also really sweet and caring. I wish everyone could see how wonderful he is with Kitty.

 “He’s never going to be John Ambrose,” I say and now Josh is paying attention so I let out a shaky breath and continue. “But I think that’s a good thing, there was so much about John and I that you don’t know, contrary to what you think. Did you know that he loved me and never told me? He kept so much from me and I don’t get why you can’t just be happy for me. Why is it so hard for you to realize that _I’m happy_ with Peter and John and I? We’re not getting back together.”

 He swallows the bite of sandwich in his hand and stares at me for a second and I could see the turmoil swirling within his eyes.

 “Why can’t we be friends again? I don’t want to have you hate me because John and you got all buddy-buddy and now you’re choosing him over me. We were friends first Josh and I’m sorry you’re getting caught in the middle but it isn’t fair that you just run to John Ambrose and tell him everything that happens. You’re feeding him false hope, I don’t want to be with John Ambrose anymore I want to be with Peter.” That’s the truth, I only want to be with Peter now and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I gave all my cards to Peter, I was sitting here empty handed waiting for him to choose who he wanted- Genevieve or me.

 “Lara Jean it’s not about John and you it’s about-” He clenches his jaw leaning into the table like he’s telling me a secret. “When Margot and I broke up I had hope- I _have_ hope but when you and John broke up it was like _everything_ that used to be was gone.”

 “ _Oh_ ,” I mutter and guilt floods me. This whole thing had nothing to do with John Ambrose and me it was about Josh and Margot. Everything got flipped on it’s head when Margot left for Scotland and I was so caught up in my own stuff that I didn’t realize how this was all effecting Josh.

 “I thought that if you and John stayed together Margot would come back and she’d see how well everything fit back into place and she’d want me back.” There was so much pain in his eyes, he really did love Margot. “But now that everything changed I don’t even know…”

 “Joshy…” I mutter and whatever walls we had between us were gone, he was just Josh and I was Lara Jean. I reach across the table giving his hand a squeeze and his lips twitch up into a soft smile. “You know you still have us Covey girls. Kitty _adores_ you, you should really come around more because she misses you like crazy.” There’s a little perk back into him when I mention Kitty.

 “Well you never forget the person who teaches you to hock a loogie.” I wrinkle my nose but he laughs and it’s starting to feel normal between us again. “Say, what do you think about coming with me to a Lord of The Rings marathon they’re having at Bess this weekend?”

 “That’s like nine hours!”

 “Yeah, Lara Jean nine hours of _awesome_.” He counters and I really think about it, just Josh and I like the old, _old_ times?

 “I wanna go but Peter said he wanted to do something together this weekend. Maybe if I ask him-” 

 “It’s fine Lara Jean,” he cuts me off giving my hand a soft squeeze, “maybe I’ll ask Kitty, it’s about time she learned the genius of Tolkien.”

 “Good luck getting her to sit still for that long.” I snort but just then Genevieve walks in. I snatch my hand back but it’s too late because she’s got a wicked smile over her lips and gives me a little wave. I feel sick because she looks genuinely happy and that’s not good for me.

* * *

 I get a text from Peter the next day as we’re driving up to the Christmas tree farm an hour away.

  _If you’re going to go on a mock date with Sanderson could you at least not do it in public?_

I read it over and over and for a moment it seems like Peter is jealous but I could just be literally reading too deeply into it. Did it look like a date to Genevieve? I’m pretty sure whatever she said to Peter was a gross exaggeration of what was going on.

 I groan smacking my phone down on my lap, leave it up to Peter and Genevieve to ruin a day like this for me. Kitty just gives me a look so I fake a smile and point out the window at the trees we’re passing by and she’s sufficiently distracted by her own excitement, _thank God._

 Kitty needs to see one of every tree before we make up our minds because she’s got to have the best one. I like the plumpness of a balsam fir but Kitty wants something tall and grand so we end up buckling and going with the Douglas fir instead. I wasn’t the least bit angry because the whole ride home the car smelt like Christmas morning and suddenly I was craving for Margot to come home.

 Josh runs over as soon as we pull into the driveway to help Daddy with the tree and I’m _so grateful_. He easily helps Daddy get it down and they lug it into the house while he helps set it up. I can’t help but think he’s going to want to stick around to help decorate the tree and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way.

 “It’s crooked!” Kitty cries out in mock horror, “A little to the left, it’s not straight enough.” She directs and I just relax against the island in the kitchen watching them, something about the Christmas tree going up really makes me want to start baking.

 I leave Kitty to manage as I go up to the attic to bring down the boxes of Christmas lights, sitting on the floor I begin to go through all of them. I’m going through all of our Christmas ornaments and I see the one Kitty took a bite out of and I hold it close because I think this one is my absolute favorite. I told her it was a cookie and she took a huge chomp out of it like the Cookie Monster, she cried and I got in trouble but it was all worth it.

 “So,” I begin gesturing to the two piles I have next to me, “white or colored lights this year?”

 “White, it’s classier.” Kitty decides nudging the colored lights to the side with her feet but Josh snatches them up looking over at her with a look of comical offense.

 “But colored light are _whimsical_ and nostalgic Kitty.” And I can’t help but laugh because Kitty is giving him a look.

 “Whimsical, Josh?” So we argue, but not really. I side with Kitty because I love the idea of a white wonderland Christmas theme but Josh is all about the past and giving Kitty that special Christmas feeling like when we were kids. Daddy finally interjects leveling that we do half-and-half and we agree.

 This was the first time things have felt really normal between Josh and I because we were bickering like we used to and there’s no uncomfortable feelings between us. Despite getting in trouble with Peter for going with Josh to the diner yesterday I don’t regret it because when all this is over I’ll have Josh again.

 The tree is so big we run out of lights even with both the collection of colored and white so Daddy runs off to get some. Kitty is perched on Josh’s shoulders as he helps her put the star on and I find myself standing back loving every second of this.

 “I’m glad we got a big tree this year.” I sigh dreamily as I look over the giant tree taking up the space with its twinkling coziness.

 Daddy has to go to the hospital later and once the tree’s done Kitty begs to go to the neighbor’s house because they’re making s’mores in the fireplace. I promise to come get her later so it’s just me and Josh left cleaning up the mess we’d made setting up the tree.

 He hoists a box over his shoulder knocking the ornament I’d made off the tree shattering against the ground. We both groan in unison and Josh looks over at me his cheeks a little flush.

 “Sorry.” He says and I just laugh because he looks at me like I’m going to be genuinely mad.

 “Don’t worry about it Josh, I made that in Home Ec and it has _way_ too much sequin and feathers anyways.” And I mean it, I really don’t mind and he relaxes as I go off to find the broom.

 When I come back he’s he turns to me, “You know you act different about Kavinsky than you did with John.” And I freeze looking over at him my eyebrows furrowing.

 “No I don’t?” But my voice came out more of a question than it did a statement so he just continued. 

 “It’s kinda like how Margot acted like we first started dating,” he began and I soften remembering how happy Margot was when they first started dating. She was always so happy and bright around Josh. “Like you’re comfortable but also really nervous. Does he know how much you like him?” 

 I sputter waving my hand, “Of course he does.” _He does not, at all._

 Josh hisses yanking his hand back, “Oh my Gosh, are you okay?” I ask dropping the broom with a loud clatter as I take his hand. “Josh, you’re bleeding.” And before he could dismiss me there’s a knock at the door.

 “Go ahead, I’m fine.” He promises and I stare into his eyes for a few moments before he gives me a smile and I bounce off towards the door.

 “Just be careful you dork.” I call out smiling and when I swing the door open my smile fades because Peter Kavinsky is standing in my doorway.

 His eyes look from me to Josh and there’s an unrecognizable expression crossing his eyes. “ _Really_ Lara Jean? I didn’t actually mean it.” And I just look at him confused because _what?_ Mean what?

 “The text? I didn’t mean for you guys to have a cozy date night.” And I look over my shoulder at Josh who’s cleaning up the mess paying no mind to Peter and I, or at least not _visibly_ paying attention to us. Again, did this look like a date? Peter didn’t know Kitty left literally ten minutes ago.

 “Peter I?” I sputter looking back at him and he was walking back down the sidewalk, “Peter!” I call out shutting the door behind me as I run down the sidewalk to catch up to his long strides. I grab him arm and yank him back confusion written all over my face.

 “What are you talking about?” I gasp and start shivering because it’s freezing out here. My bare feet are chilled against the cool concrete of the driveway and my hands are rubbing over my arms.

 “You don’t text me all day yesterday and today so I come over and you’re here _alone_ with Sanderson?” He’s jealous, Peter Kavinsky is one hundred percent jealous.

 “Josh loves Margot, Peter. He helped us put up the tree and he wanted to clean up so I didn’t have to do it alone.”

 He chuckles bitterly nodding his head, “ _Right_ , so after your little date yesterday he just happens to want to stay alone with you?” I gawk at him because this is _not_ the Peter I’ve come to know over the past few weeks.

 “ _Really_ Peter? If you think there’s anything going on with Josh and I-”

 “Lara Jean I see the way he looks at you, I’m not stupid.”

 “Just go Peter.” I say, my tone flat because there was no way Josh looked at me any ways other than a best friend. I’d been there, I’d have that intense crush on Josh and tucked that safely away in my hat box. Josh was Margot’s and I’d purged those feelings when John Ambrose and I started dating.

 “And leave you to your date?”

 “Nothing is going on with Josh and I!” I scream because he was _so stupid_ sometimes. “I’m _with you_ Peter and don’t you think if anything would happen with anyone it would be with John Ambrose and not _my sister’s boyfriend_?! If anything would have happened it would have been when John Ambrose took me out and tried to get me back! But I said _no_ , Peter.” I was _so angry_ at him right now. How dare he insinuate I would do something like this to my sister?

 He flinches taken aback, “John tried to get you back?” His voice was soft, almost insecure.

 “Why else would he have kissed me, Peter?” And he was quiet, as the anger bled out of me I began to shiver again my teeth clattering.

 “You should get inside, it’s cold.” _Wow_ , thanks for the news Captain Obvious. Josh peaks his head out the door and calls out to me.

 “Everything okay, Lara Jean?” I groan turning to Josh pleading him to go inside with my eyes but I hear a car door shut making me turn to see Peter starting his car.

 “Peter!” I gawk as he begins to pull out of the driveway my heart sinking to my stomach. I turn back to the house running up and grabbing Josh’s arm as I walk inside slamming the door unable to hold back my tears.

 I break sobbing to Josh on the couch and I tell him _everything_. The letter, fake dating, our plan, John Ambrose trying to get me back, me falling for Peter- _all of it_. He sits there and listens because he’s always been the best at this and when I’m done he hands me a napkin and I just laugh.

 “Lara Jean,” he signs shaking his head because I don’t think he can even collect his own thoughts about this whole thing. “That wasn’t the reaction of a guy who’s faking dating someone.”

 I look up at him wiping the tears from my cheeks and apparently something about what I was doing was funny because he was laughing. I slap him on the shoulder and he immediately starts waving his hands in the air mocking surrender.

 “No, no I’m not laughing _at_ you Lara Jean. I just think it’s funny that Kavinsky could have actual feelings.”

 “Josh!”

 “Really, Lara Jean he can be a douche bag but he really does have feelings for you, I can tell.” My heart swells, Peter Kavinsky likes me.

 We talk for another hour about everything and nothing, catching up on all our lost time when Kitty comes walking through the door holding her stomach and plopping down on the couch.

 “I’d be mad at you if I wasn’t about to fall into a s’mores induced coma.” Kitty whined and Josh and I burst into laughter. Josh leaves a little bit later and Kitty and I decide to sleep downstairs on the couch watching the Christmas marathon on Hallmark.

* * *

 The Ski trip was tomorrow so I decided I was going to make Peter some snacks for the bus ride. I drive across town with Kitty to the Korean grocery store and we pick up everything we’d need for the house and some goodies for Peter.

 The drive was hectic as I kept screaming at Kitty to be my eyes and she was whining that I was taking so long everything would go bad. It was pretty traumatic but when we arrived back home in one piece I was proud of myself, that was the furthest I drove by myself. Anything for Peter Kavinsky though.

 Margot would be flying in tomorrow while I was on the Ski Trip so I made Kitty promise me as we were making Peter’s nasty fruitcake cookies that night that she’d wait for me to decorate the rest of the house. Although it wasn’t a holiday decoration we’d made and hung the giant sign in the doorway saying, _‘Welcome Home, Gogo!’._

 “No promises, Lara Jean.” She mused rolling up some cookie dough and setting it on the cookie sheet. “Lara Jean do you think Margot and Josh will get back together.” And her eyes are so hopeful it almost breaks my heart.

 “I dunno, Kitten. I guess that’s up to Josh and Margot.” And to be honest I don’t know if they will. Margot is so far away and she seems so happy in her new life but the sadness written over Kitty’s face breaks my heart.

 “You know he won’t stop coming over even if they break up.” And she focuses deeply on the cookie cough rolling it a little too much in her palm that it was starting to get sticky from the heat.

 “He did when they first broke up, what if they don’t get back together and he stops coming over again?” I pluck the dough from her fingers and pull her into a hug and to my surprise she actually let’s me.

 “Don’t worry about that, it’s grown up stuff. How about we make you some snickerdoodles and watch The Sopranos?” She perks up with a devilish grin because we both know Daddy would lose his head if he knew I was letting her watch the Sopranos but she didn’t need to be worrying about Josh and Margot.

 We finished up all the cookies and I packed a box away full of all Peter’s favorite snacks putting it in the fridge before retiring on the couch with a plate full of cookies with Kitty.

 “At least we’ll have Peter, right?” She asks halfway through the second episode and I smile bright down at her. “That’s right, Kitty. We’ll always have Peter.” And I was one hundred percent sure when I answered her.

* * *

 Daddy dropped me off at six-thirty in the morning, it’s still dark out but there were tons of other people already there. Leave it up to a Ski Trip to persuade students to actually be on time for something.

 “I found this in the hall closet, it was your mom’s.” And my heart swells as he slips it over my head covering my ears. “She was a great skier.” And I could tell Daddy’s was reminiscing by the look in his eyes.

 “I know.” I smiled collecting my bag from by my feet. “I’ll see you tomorrow night Daddy.” I smile leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek before I slip out of the car immediately starting to shiver as I move to grab my stuff from the backseat.

 “Zip up your jacket.” He calls out and I wave him goodbye as he pulls out of the parking lot. I look around for Peter and find him talking with Genevieve, she’s laughing about something he’s saying and he doesn’t even notice me. I hand my bags off to one of the chaperons who packs it under the bus and stand there shivering my eyes scanning the area for Chris.

  _Where are you?_ I text but I keep watching Genevieve and Peter wondering why he wasn’t noticing me. I nibble at my lower lip when Chris pops up behind me scaring the crap out of me, I squeal loudly and Peter looks over and Genevieve looks _sufficiently_ pissed that Chris is here. Little wins, I guess.

 She starts spouting something off to Peter and it looks like he’s doing a big of damage control so I don’t say anything. I get on the bus and Chris sits the row beside me stretched out so no one get’s the slightest idea to sit with her but I leave the seat next to me open. Genevieve get’s on first a smirk over her lips as she passes me and there’s a knot in my stomach. I hate when she looks that amused or happy because it’s never good.

 Peter is one of the last people to get on and I smile bright at him as he get’s on but he walks right past me. _What?_ I stand up grabbing at his wrist my eyebrows furrowing. “Peter?” And he pulls away from me nodding his head back to where Genevieve was sitting her eyes bright with that devilish smile. She’d just won.

 “I’m gonna sit with Gen, she needs some help with some of her itinerary.” And I sputter shaking my head because I’m _pretty sure_ she’s got everything she needs already done and set.

 “I think she’s okay, Peter.” And he just shrugs before turning around and walking down the isle to where Genevieve with sitting. My heart breaks.

 I slide back into my seat and Chris immediately cuts the next person off to hop into the seat next to mine. I turn my face hiding myself in her jacket as I cry and she just brushes my hair back shooting glares at anyone who dares to look my way.

 I felt so embarrassed, why did I even come? Why’d I get my hopes up that he liked me? Why did I pack him those damn snacks.

 “Peter’s stupid.” She mutters down to me and I just keep crying and I hear Genevieve laugh a little too loudly about something Peter was saying that I was sure wasn’t even funny.

 “I want to go home.” I croak and she grabs my face in her hands tilting my gaze up to me with that very intense Chris look of hers.

 “ _Absolutely not_ ,” She reprimands me, “you’re going to show him _exactly_ what he’s missing. We’re going to have the best time of our lives and he’s going to regret sitting with Genevieve and her… _Uggs_.” I chuckle a watery laugh, I’ve never been more grateful to Chris than I was right now. Say what you want about her but she was fiercely protective to the people she loved and even if I was the only person on that list I was so lucky.

 I lean my head back on her shoulder daring a look between the seats back at Peter and he’s watching me, not even secretly he’d full on staring at me. His eyes held something I can’t exactly recognize and he’s not paying a single attention to Genevieve as she rattles off next to him.

 _Good_ , I think. If I’m going to be miserable you better be too Peter Kavinsky because _you_ did this. He swallows back and I think he’s about to mouth something to me but I look away cuddling into Chris’ shoulder as we make our way out of the parking lot towards the lodge.

 I _’m going to have the best time of my life and I’m not going to let Peter Kavinsky get me down._ I repeat to myself over and over until I fall asleep to the sound of Chris’ music so loud in her ears leaving the carefully constructed lunch I’d planned for Peter and I ignored at our feet to go to waste.


	8. The Ski-Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean is hung up but she get's over it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know everyone's been waiting for this, enjoy some extra fluff of stuff.

 Chris nudges me as we’re pulling up to the lodge and my eyes are a little swollen, I stretch my arms up above my head loosening my tight muscles as I groan at the kink in my neck from leaning on Chris the past few hours.

 “Wow,” I mutter looking over the beautiful lodge spread out before us surrounded by trees and snow. I sneak a look back at Peter and again he’s looking at me the same unresolved look in his eyes. Genevieve catches me looking back and shoots me one of her devilish smiles as she reaches over tucking her arm with Peters. If I wouldn’t have looked away so fast maybe I would have seen the way he pulled away from her, but I didn’t so I can’t help the negative feeling settling within my stomach.

 We file off the bus and none of us wait around for our luggage as we shuffle forward taking in the beauty of our surroundings. Inside the lodge it was just as Peter said with a bearskin rug for flourish and we meet next to the giant fireplace where Gabe is trying to get everyone’s attention.

 “ _Overruled!_ Sleep where you want, sluts!” He calls out and tosses all the card keys up in the air and my eyes feel like they’re going to bulge out of my head. There’s a bunch of commotion and now any hopes of rooming with Chris were going out the window as all the key cards were being snatched up off the floor.

 Everyone was chatting and passing around room keys, tossing extras on the table, and before I could even grab a pair they were gone. I don’t know exactly how that was possible considering I did pay for at least half a room.

 Chris was giving some _serious_ eye to Charlie Blanchard and I felt sick to my stomach because that meant I _was not_ going to be sharing a room with her tonight.

 “We’re gonna go skiing, LJ. Want to come?” Chris asks but I don’t know if she _really_ wants me to come so I just wave her off.

 “I think I’m gonna try and find a room first, you go ahead.” She eyes me for a second before taking a step back. “ _Have fun_ Lara Jean, stick to the plan.” And she disappears off around the corner with Charlie leaving me to my lonesome not even knowing where to start when it came to making Peter jealous.

  _Wait Peter_. I think and I comb through the crowd but he’s standing next to Gabe and they’re holding identical room keys and my shoulders hunch. It was a long shot and when he looks over at me he just shrugs holding up his key and my face turns red. Now that I think about it I probably wouldn’t have been able to share a room with him anyways, not with all that’s going on right now and probably not even if we weren’t in a weird place.

 Just then I see Lucas Krapf and he’s holding a set of room keys, I know it was a long shot but considering I don’t want to be sleeping in the lobby I gained a little courage.

 “Hi Lucas.” I smile bouncing on my toes and he returns my smile with his own brilliant one and I’m remembered Freshman homecoming and how _absolutely handsome_ he is.

 “Hey Lara Jean.” He must see the way my eyes are glued onto the key cards in his hand because he just chuckles and offers me one. “Need a place to bunk tonight?”

 I sigh giving him by best grateful look, “ _Thank you!_ I promise you won’t even realize I’m there. I have Korean face masks!” And his face lights up before he could speak though Genevieve's voice comes from above us on the balcony.

 “See you on the black diamond Peter?” I clench my jaw turning my gaze back to Peter and he looks at a loss, “Last one down owes the other a hot toddy.”

 “ _Oh_ , what’s going on there?” Lucas asks as I exchange a strange look with Peter before down turning my gaze to my feet with a shrug. “So you’re just gonna let her get your man?” I look up at Lucas with a long sigh.

 “Do you ski?” And he snorts out a laugh.

 “Oh no, yeah right. You think I came to go skiing? It’s cold outside, I don’t do cold.” And my bottom lip forms into a pout but he just reaches forward tapping at my lip with a smug expression. “You know I’m gay right? That doesn’t work on me.” _I did not…_ Well it makes sharing a room with him a million and ten times easier.

 “ _C’mon!_ You’re the one asking me if I’m gonna let her get my man. How am I supposed to seem like I’m having a good time when I don’t even know how to put on the boots?” Peter’s gone along with half of the crowd of teenagers and I was anxious to get on the slopes and show Peter how fun I could have. Even if it was terrifying and I wasn’t going to have fun at all.

 “You owe me hot chocolate and a weeks worth of Korean face masks.” He’s trying to keep a straight face but I can tell he’s entertained by all of this. I mean what was he really going to do all day? I squeal grabbing onto his hand tugging him along to the room. Margot would be proud of me right now I’m being spontaneous _and_ just made a new friend.

* * *

 Lucas and I dropped our things off in our room and found ourselves on the slopes bundled up like two giant marshmallows trying to figure out how to buckle the snowboards. Everyone else is on the black diamond and here we are in the green circle, AKA the bunny slope. I feel like a child and I can _literally_ see children doing better than we are.

 “Lara Jean this is frustrating.” Lucas huffs out sitting back on the bench his board still not latched on properly. We were failing at this, miserably. It takes a good ten minutes and the help of man to which Lucas flirts shamelessly with and suddenly I’m alone but I have my boots on. Lucas had talked his way into a free hot chocolate and I’m trying to pizza wedge my way down the bunny slope feeling like a loser as all the little kids zoom past me.

 I look around and I see Peter with a group of his friends carrying their snowboards but the real reason I’m so happy to see him is Genevieve is _nowhere_ in sight.

 “Peter!” I call out losing my balance as I swing my hand in the air to get his attention. He turns his head and we make eye contact as I feel myself going down, I don’t see what happens next because I’m face first in the snow and I can hear some little kid laughing at me.

 Groaning I move to sit up when I feel a pair of hands on me hoisting me up, my eyes trail upwards and there’s Peter standing there with an amused expression.

 “I thought you didn’t know how to snowboard.” He teased and I swat at his arm my cheeks flushing a deep red but then I remember I’m mad at him, or playing hard to get? I can’t remember but Chris fully briefed me on how to be _stubborn and sexy_. Although to be honest I was too busy shoving nasty fruitcake cookies into my mouth and trying to pretend I didn’t care that Peter was sitting with Genevieve.

 “I?” _Wow, I’m great at this_. “I’m good at this?” He’s looking at me nodding but I could see that he’s trying to hold back laughter and dammit Peter stop being so damn adorable.

 I don’t think people give Peter enough credit. His friends were off on the black diamond probably having the time of their lives and he was teaching me to snowboard like he promised. After showing me the basics of balance his hands stayed on my waist as he jogged down partway before launching me down the rest of the slope.

 I can’t count the times I’ve fallen but I’ve also never had this much fun on the slopes. That signature Peter smile never left his face and no matter how frustrated it was getting that I couldn’t quite grasp the concept he didn’t complain. Around the tenth time he jogs down to help me up and I launch a snowball right at his chest catching him by surprise.

 He throws himself behind a tree and it becomes a little war between us both. I was handicapped by the board on my feet but he spared me by not pelting me with _too many_ snowballs. It wasn’t until I accidentally launch a snowball right at an instructors head that we get in trouble for our little impromptu snowball fight but I couldn’t find it in myself to care.

 We’re told to get off the slopes, Peter comes jogging over to me his cheeks flush from the laughing but his nose is a soft pink from the chill and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything so beautiful.

 “That’s why I like you Covey, you’re always fun to be around.” And I freeze, did he just say he likes me? Like, _like likes me_? He gives me his hand and easily hoists me up to my feet.

 “Then the least you could do was sit with me on the bus.” I blurt out and his smile falters.

 “Are you really that mad that I didn’t sit next to you on the bus?” He looks so dumbfounded but _he_ was the one insinuating I was starting something with Josh because we were hanging out. He didn’t get to play dumb.

 “No, Peter, I’m mad that you sat with Genevieve on the bus. I don’t know if you know this because you’ve only ever been with Gen and she’s a bit controlling but there are certain things you do, okay? Like sit with you _girlfriend_ when going on a school trip, that’s pretty much expected.” I huff out an impatient breath, I could feel myself getting worked up.

 “Come on, don’t be mad I didn’t think about it. I was just…” He trails off reaching up to rub at the back of his neck and I could see the creases forming over his forehead. “I got worked up over Sanderson and I _swear_ I’ll sit next to you on the way home, okay?”

 I purse my lips taking a long moment to read the expression on his face. “Alright but you missed out on Korean yogurt smoothies and fruitcake cookies.”

 His mouth falls open. “ _What_? You made my cookies?”

 I shrug trying to play it off like I didn’t spend a couple hours last night preparing a slew of his favorite snacks. “Kitty and I did a little prep work for the bus ride last night so we could have some snacks.”

 He shifts back a seconds rolling on his heels a goofy smile over his lips, “Are there any left?”

 “Nope,” I pop smugly, “And I was right, they were _disgusting_.” He lunges forward tickling at my sides and I bunch up with a squeal slapping at him.

 “ _Peter!_ I’m gonna fall!” He stops resting his hands on my hips to steady me and there’s that expression in his eyes that I just can’t quite read.

 “Wanna hear something funny?” He asks and I was going to make a joke about me trying to snowboard or the fact that I still have snow all over my outfit but all I could muster was a soft, “What?”

 “I think I started like you.”

 It’s either me or the slopes are starting to spontaneously shift and curve around. I feel light headed and my body goes still as I reach up to pull at my hair but it’s underneath Mommy’s pink hat. I swallow back my heart pounding so loudly I can’t even think cohesively. “Stop teasing me.”

 “I’m not, that’s why I’ve went along with this whole thing in the first place. I’ve always thought you were cute, didn’t my letter give it away?”

 My face feels like its on fire and even though it’s unlikely I swear I can feel the warmth of his hands through my clothes. He leans his head closer to mine and I must shift wrong on my snowboard because I fall straight back and Peter was not expecting it so he goes tumbling with me.

 I can’t help it, I dissolve into a fit of laughter because this _would_ happen. It was like my _wake-up_ call, the universe’s way of snapping me back into reality. Peter’s laughing next to me and there are a few kids staring at us like we’re crazy because we’re two teenagers laying in the snow laughing our butts off.

 Once we settle a bit I fiddle with the latch on my boots and Peter easily reaches over and unhinges them for me helping me stand up steadily on my own two feet. He’s looking at me expectantly and I can’t help myself when I blurt out, “Aren’t you still in love with Genevieve?”

 We’re standing outside of the rental place just off the bunny slope and he just stares at me with a shrug. “Why do you keep bringing up Gen? We were talking about us and all you want to do is talk about her. Yeah, okay, Gen and I have a history but so do you and McClaren and I don’t bring him up. I’ll admit I will always care about her but…” He takes a step closer to me and I feel a lump in my throat. “I like you now.” His voice was so sure, confident as ever.

 Someone from school walks by and Peter gives them a high five as they pass but I’m thankful it’s giving me a moment to collect my thoughts on everything before his eyes fall back to me. “So what do you say?” And I know what he’s expecting me to say. I know exactly what I _want_ to say.

 “I don’t want to do this if you’re still going to be hung up on Genevieve. That’s what this whole thing was from the start.” That’s not what I wanted to say.

 “That’s not fair,” He objects his smile falling from his lips. “When we started this thing you wanted to get McClaren back.”

 “Well it’s obvious that’s not my choice anymore because I had the opportunity and _I_ said _no_. How can I be sure if the same thing happened with you and Gen you’d do the same? You still love Genevieve.”

 He takes a step back from me obviously frustrated and I’m regretting this whole conversation. I want to go back five minutes to when he wasn’t looking at me like this. He pulls his beanie from his head and runs his fingers through his hair.

 “God, what makes you such an expert on Love? You’ve been with _one guy_ and you never even said it. Apart from that you’ve never seemed to have a type. It almost seems like you set yourself up to be let down. You’d rather read about love than actually try and find it.”

 “That’s not fair…” Even though he was right it still stung that he went ahead and said it.

 “What are you so scared of, Lara Jean?”

 I take a step back my feet uneven in the snow and my lip begins to quiver. “I’m not scared of anything!” But my voice is faltering and I can feel the tears burning.

 “The hell you’re not. You’d rather make up some complicated fantasy version of love than be with a real person. I’m sorry I didn’t show up at your doorstep with flowers and profess my undying love for you, Lara Jean, but guess what, that’s not real life. You need to wake up.”

 I open my mouth to speak but I don’t think there are any words for me to say. I take another step back and my foot slips out from under me but Peter catches me again. His face is hard and guarded but I could see resolve in his eyes.

 “Can I have some hot chocolate?” I say instead and his face falls as he helps me steady myself. He takes my board from me and walks back to return it, I almost think he’s going to leave me there but then he comes back.

 “Yeah Covey, let’s get you some hot chocolate.”

* * *

 Peter bought me two hot chocolates and walked me back to my room, he was a little surprised to see I was rooming with Lucas but I could tell he wasn’t worried. He said he was going to go snowboard some more with some friends so I just let him go thanking him for my hot chocolate like a nerd.

 “Thanks for the hot chocolate?” Lucas mocked a sly smile over his lips and I gawk at him.

 “Excuse me! You’re the one who ditched me on the slopes.” I counter blowing on the hot chocolate for it to cool down a bit.

 “And it worked obviously, you and Kavinsky made up.” He must see the way my face falls as I hide myself behind my cup because he groans rolling his eyes. “Are you kidding me? What’s wrong now.”

 Lucas and I talked about everything _but_ Peter Kavinksy before we shuffled off to dinner. He went off and found some friends and I ran into Chris who had a huge smile on her face. She was headed out back to the slopes for a final few runs, she was addicted to the rush apparently.

 “So how’s everything with Peter going? I saw you two at the slopes today.”

 “We’re okay, I think we’re still fighting?” Honestly I couldn’t tell, he wasn’t so happy when he dropped me off with my hot chocolate earlier and there were still so many unresolved questions.

 “Lara Jean,” Chris groaned rubbing her hand over her face, “if you want to be with Peter you gotta just be with him. Be brave or something because its hot tub time and we all know Gen’s not, _not_ gonna be there. So where are you gonna be?”

 Leave it up to Chris to give me a question like that before running off. I turn to head back to my room and feel a towel lightly snap at my butt, I squeal turning around my cheeks hot as I see Peter with Gabe and Darrel standing there.

 “Hey Largie, saw you on the slopes with Peter.” Darrel nudges Gabe and they share a little chuckle but nothing comes from Peter, he’s actually avoiding my eyes and that hurts.

 “Shame you didn’t make it up to the black diamond.” Darrell says and I can’t help the look I give him, “ _Seriously_? I mean if you don’t want cookies ever again I guess.”

 “No, no.” He counters through laughter, “ _To watch,_ I wanted to show off my ollies for you.” There’s a silence and Gabe and Darrell give each other a look as they sense the tension between Peter and I.

 Gabe coughs, “Well uh, we’re headed to the hot tub, you coming?”

 “I didn’t bring a suit.” I mutter intertwining my fingers in front of me.

 “Well, we’re gonna head off then.” They quickly trot off leaving Peter and I but before I could speak he does.

 “Well I’ll see you around Lara Jean, enjoy your book.”

 “What?” I call out and he just looks down at the book I’d forgotten was even in my hand. “ _Oh_ , well you know this book would be better with some hot chocolate…” I say, making a last ditch effort to get on Peter’s good side.

 He’s thinking about it, I could see it but he just points off behind him to where Gabe and Darrell trotted off. “You know I would but… I already said I’d hang out with some people.”

 “In a hot tub.” I add and he’s on edge already but I find myself asking, “Is Gen gonna be there?”

 He scoffs shaking his head, “I dunno Lara Jean, _maybe_.” When I don’t say anything for a few moments he turns around and begins walking away.

 “Enjoy the hot tub.” I say lamely and he just bitterly laughs.

 Lucas Krapf is a surprisingly good listener. Once I started talking it was almost impossible for me to stop. I was really thinking Peter would be the one to break the no snitching rule but here I was telling the _second person_ all about what was going on between us.

 “Kavinsky wrote a love letter?” Lucas asked surprised.

 “Yup.” He turns to me from where he was sitting atop the covers of his bed snug within a robe.

 “And you told him to enjoy the hot tub… Where Gen is most likely going to be?” I groan rolling over in the bed forgetting that I was wearing a face mask as it sticks all over the pillow sheet. Rolling it up I toss it over towards my mess of snacks.

 “Kavinsky likes you, Lara Jean.” I roll over to face him as he’s pealing his own face mask off. “You’re the one who keeps up with this stop and go thing.” I nibble over my bottom lip thinking about all of it.

 “He’s still so obsessed with Gen, I’m just gonna end up being another girl who stupidly fell for Peter Kavinsky; it’s embarrassing!”

 “Look, Lara Jean, every get get’s a little obsessed with their first…” He trails off giving me a knowing look, “You know- _bow chicka wow wow_.”

 “No.” I immediately say shaking my head even though my lip tilts up just a bit in amusement.

 “Okay, let’s look at the facts then, shall we? The fake relationships was _his idea_. You came up with the no-kissing rule, and _you’re_ the one who keeps trying to break up. And you’re _also_ the one currently carb loading with a gay man while he’s probably waiting for you in the hot tub.” My head snaps forward as I furrow my eyebrows thinking about what he said. Was he waiting for me in the hot tub?

 “You think he’s waiting for me in the hot tub?” I ask rubbing over the back of my neck and Lucas scoff out a nasally chuckle. “ _Hell_ yeah.”

 I always knew Peter didn’t belong to me but today he said he liked me, he was making the choice to choose me. I’ve been hoping for him to say this to me and he finally did so why didn’t I just tell him I liked him back giving us a chance? Of course I like him, what girl wouldn’t fall for the handsome and charming Peter Kavinsky?

 I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I want to be brave. Margot was right it’s time to start living my life. I want to fall in love _for real_ and I want a boy to fall in love with me back.

 Before I could talk myself out of it all I grab my coat and key-card heading off to the hot tub.

 “About time.” Lucas calls out and I just smile, I’m on my way to get Peter Kavinsky.

* * *

 The hot tub is behind the main lodge tucked away in the woods on a platform. On my way there I’m passed by a bunch of kids with wet hair on their way back to their rooms. I quicken my pace nervous that I’d somehow already missed Peter but there he is alone with his head tilted back eyes closed.

 “Hi,” My voice is a little shaky but it jolts Peter as he nervously looks over my shoulder eyes wide.

 “Lara Jean! What? What are you doing here?”

 “I came to see you.” I nervously explain taking a few steps around the hot tub towards the steps and his eyes follow me. I lean down to take off my boots and socks neatly setting them aside. I’m nervous and I hope he doesn’t see it.

 “Uh, what are you doing?” Peter’s looking at me like I’m crazy but I ignore him for a moment unzipping my coat and tossing it to one of the benches.

 “I’m getting in!” Shivering I walk up the steps pulling my nightgown up just a bit to sink my feet into the satisfying warmth of the water before sitting down on the edge. Peter’s watching me warily but I can’t focus because my heart is beating so wildly and I find it difficult to actually look at him.

 “That thing you brought up earlier… You caught me off guard and I? I didn’t know what to say… But, well… I like you too.” My words come out a jumbled mess so I take a deep breath finally meeting Peter’s gaze and try for a more confident tone. “I like you, Peter Kavinsky.”

 He takes a moment, blinks a few times like he’s not sure if I’m even here for not. “I don’t understand you girls. Once I think I have you figured out, and then… And then…” He trails off twice and my lungs feel like they’re running out of air.

 “And then?” I press my breath catching in my throat as I wait for him to speak, I feel like the whole lodge could hear me breathing, it’s so loud in my ears as I swallow back I’m nervous that if he speaks I won’t even hear it.

 “And then I don’t know.” But he’s looking at me hard- harder than he’s ever before, pupils dilated. The look on his face is so tender, like he’s never seen me before but he’s not talking anymore. Did I really screw everything up so badly today that he doesn’t even know if he likes me anymore? I can’t accept that this is over, not when I finally found my courage.

 With the rhythmic sound of my heart cheering me on I scoot closer to him, sliding along the side of the hot tub the soft sloshing of my legs against the water. He’s watching me so intently that when I rest beside him I almost lose my nerve, but I refuse to back down this time. Bending my head down I press my lips against his feeling his jolt of surprise, I think maybe he’s going to pull back but I’m wrong.

 He’s kissing me back, open-mouthed, soft-lipped kissing me back sliding his hand to the back of my head with soft strokes along my hair easing any nerves riddling my body. In a swoop he’s got me in his arms and he’s pulling me down into the water. My hair is wet at the tips and my night gown is soaked but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything anymore. I never know kissing could be this good.

 Peter’s hands are on my face and he smells like chlorine, like memories of summer time and vacations. This is nothing like my books or movies because it’s so much better than that, it’s real and so much more than I’ve ever experience.

 “Are you okay?” He asks pulling back and his lips are a bit swollen and I love the way he sounds, ragged and urgent but the softness of vulnerably laced within his words somehow. I’ve never been looked at the way he is right now, like he’d do whatever I asked and it’s strange but so powerful. I don’t think anyone’s ever felt this way about me.

 “Never better.” I respond softly and it’s true. His fingers dance along my hair and I move my fingers along the length of his spine and he shivers and I pull him closer, palms flat along the surface of his back. I feel like I’m dreaming but he keeps whispering to me between kisses and I want him to shut up because those lips feel so much better on mine.

 “It’s past curfew, we should go back inside.” I huff out a cloud of air and his thumbs glide along the length of my jaw down the tender spots of my neck. My eyes flutter shut and I dive in for another kiss, like his lips are the oxygen and I’m deprived.

 “I don’t want to get you in trouble.” Peter pulls back again and this time he looks worried, which I have to admit is _so sweet_. I savor this moment my hand reaching up to brush along the length of his cheek, he’s so, _so_ beautiful. I could sit here and look at him for hours but I know he’s right, I don’t want to get in trouble.

 I stand up and the winter air slaps my body sending me into immediately shivers but Peter’s already hopped out the side of the hot tub and enveloped me in his towel holding my hand as he helps me out of the hot tub. He dries me off, rubbing the towel over my arms and legs as I’m sitting down trying to put on my socks and boots teeth chattering loudly. When I stand up he’s got the sopping towel flung over his shoulder and he slides me into my jacket zipping me into the warmth of it.

 He walks me to my door fingers intertwined and as I go to step away he pulls me back and I’m staring right up at his beautiful face once more. I grab the lapels of the robe he’s wearing to help me tilt myself up on my toes, I brush my nose along his and he smiles before giving me another chaste but lingering kiss. Pulling back I fall back to my heels feeling like I’m flying.

 “Goodnight, Lara Jean.” I bit down on my lip backing up to my door not wanting to stop looking at him. “Goodnight Peter.” And he turns as I do brushing the card over the reader before stepping into the room unable to wipe the smile from my face.

 “Well, well, well looks like he _was_ waiting in the hot tub.” Lucas calls out and I don’t even care, my smile just grows as I turn to the bathroom and shut the door ready to rid myself of these cold clothes.

**Author's Note:**

> As usual the disclaimer- I don't own these magical characters nor do I own the fantastic series To All The Boys I've Loved Before. I just take inspiration from these incredibly characters in which I wasn't ready to let go of yet.
> 
> Thanks for reading, kudos and comments are always appreciated and welcomed.


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